Big hugs for you C. I just want to say that as much as it does not feel like but your H, family, friends are all right to say that you are a strong person.
Being strong does not mean you can't break, hurt, be sad, these are all feelings that you have in any time things get rough in life. What they don't get is that you are a person that work on things inside you and you have a desire for life. That's why you drive yourself through the troubles and keep going, keep fighting for what is next.
Don't be hard on yourself, that's what strong people do. They search for answers and solutions. Pick yourself up a little bit every day. Look for things small that makes you smile. You will find it. It is there, sleeping because someone put a knife on your back, but it is there.
You joke, you are a bit sarcastic, you are learning, you are growing as a person and as a part of this world. And this world is big, very big. I would ask you to take yourself out of the picture for awhile and do something good to help someone else. You will be surprised how much it enrich your soul, and I am sure you can always find someone else that suffer more then us, that needs more then us.
A few days ago, my manager lost her husband. He took his own life and left her with the pain. I gave her my support and understood my pain was lesser the the total end of it.
Keep in perspective, keep faith that it is still a road to walk and a life to live. You have this pain that you are young and not doing what young people are doing. Many of us feel that we are old and how hard it is to start all over again when the wrinkles start showing.
But, no matter young or old, we need to look for a better tomorrow, we need to find what can drive us to next chapter of our lives, as hard as it is, there will be tomorrow and every day is a new chance to do the right thing by us.
I read what you write and I see you forget to mention that your H is still having support (the wrong one) from his family. They baby him a lot, and he is feeling comfort on this right now. I would say you need to back off and let him realize that he is empty with just this.
I feel he needs to come to his own understanding of who he is as a person on his own. Maybe his reaction to the papers are advice from third people that should not been involved in this situation.
It's hard C, but don't ignore that you are a strong person and you can do it. Read some of 25 posts. She was hurting like us and she forced herself to became better, to surpass the pain little by little and time showed her that with every step she got more freedom from her pain, and she became happier and showed a person only a fool would leave.
It's OK to cry, it's OK to hurt, as a matter of fact it's good and necessary. Exercise and cry, eat and cry, go dancing and in the way back home cry, go shopping and cry, go to work, work hard and when you are done, cry. You see, you give yourself time to feel and let go. You will see that slowly you will do something and don't cry. You will smile at small things, you will find yourself enjoying to put on a make up, a nice different color in your wardrobe.
Get that girl out of you. Enjoy the manicure, pedicure, enjoy the body you have to show and dress a little different for a change, enjoy a new lipstick, get that girl from within and let her help you. You feel beautiful outside, the inside start following.
As much as it hurts now, you know it is not going to last forever. It will pass, and when time comes, your H will see the beautiful person you are. He may come back or not. Or maybe you will meet someone in Italy, or in the supermarket. Who knows, life is full of surprises, don't let the actual pain eat you life away. Believe in you, you can do it even with tears in your eyes.
Let yourself suffer, let your heart hurt, punch the pillow. With people like us, the strong and impenetrable ones, this is they way. The more we struggle and suffer the stronger we get, we find out something inside us that will drive us to the next road. You can do it girl. I know I can.
