Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

I don't even know what to write.

I am mad that my friend decided I out to know my H was on Tinder and blew up my whole world with one text message.

I am angry that instead of being honest with me about it, that my H lied to my face until I showed him the screen shot.

I am hurt that he would do such things while in a relationship with me. (Regardless, of being separated or whatnot. We agreed nothing of that sort of behavior and he couldn't honor that.)

I am pissed that after his behaviors came to light that he slammed all doors of communication in my face under the pretense of a boundary. First it was, I won't talk in person without a counselor, now it's progressed to he's blocked every aspect of communicating with me. He will unblock it to send a message and then block it right back so I have no chance of a response.

I am humiliated/pissed/infuriated that he had his toxic parents do his dirty work for him and tell me he was filing for divorce. Which is perplexing because 12 hours before, his last message before he cut off communication with me was he wanted to try and divorce wasn't on his mind.

I am sad, because it appears that I've been fed nothing but lies from a people pleaser who didn't have the courage or tools to speak up to either fix this or end this in a manner of which would be appropriate.

I am disappointed that he reached out to me and told me he would talk to me on Friday (yesterday) and didn't follow through. No surprise there, but seriously, at this point, just stop the games.

I am concerned for his mental health because of the statements he has made in the last week. As he has moved to a new location, stopped using our joint account, and blocked me from reaching him, I have no way to assure that he is alive.

I am in shock that this is my life. This is not my husband. This is some stranger who is having some sort of life crisis, and it makes me so so sad for him and for me.

I am upset, because this all could be worked on and overcome. But he doesn't want it. Because he has associated all of his problems with me. He's refusing to speak to me. I can't DB that.

So I have to let my ten years with a man who I love, more than life itself, go and set him free in the hopes that he finds what he needs.

And meanwhile, I am on the floor in a million pieces trying to put myself back together again, and will never be whole because he took one of them with him.

I do not want this.

But he doesn't want me.

And there's nothing that I can do about any of it.