RD Moving on 3

[Vanilla]

RD

D13 is probably starting adolescence and puberty. It is different for girls, time to gen up on female biology. D13 is going to need you to talk to and some practicalities from the chemist. Sounds like D13 is growing up.

V

[SunnyB]

RD, I thought the same thing. Possibly not stomach cramps. Tricky for a dad, but you can handle it. Hope you are having a great weekend.

[Pink17]

Hi Sweet RD,

I am back. After two weeks of hell I am looking forward my freedom and some peace of mind.

D13 could be expecting her period if it didn't happen yet. It can be painful and yes you can have those annoying headaches.

But, keep an eye on her. If the symptoms do not go away, then you may want to check with her doctor. Sometimes too much stress and anxiety can make the stomach very ill. Hope it is nothing very serious.

A take on the ring...I love to wear not one, but two rings. I kind feel totally naked without the ring. I guess too many years anyway.

About your wife. How much do you really know about her R with the OM? You write a lot about your feelings and what you think is going on between them, but what is concrete about this?

Your wife is so messed up and confused right now, it's very hard to understand what is going on with her. I think you are doing all what you can regarding the circumstances. Maybe, it would be a good idea to talk to W to reach a way that she will visit the kids on some days and times and not all the time.

RD, what I mean is that maybe you can talk to your IC to get some advice on how to handle this situation. The kids have their mother but she won't stay there. This may be getting them anxious, insecure, nervous, sad, hurt and a million more. It's not only RD that is in limbo but the kids are in limbo too. It does not matter how old the kids are. The limbo zone is the most unfair and painful feeling they can feel.

I know RD, it's just a very angry situation for you. You are left with all your kids, need to work, cook, clean, etc and deal with all the pain of a broken heart. And if it is not enough, you need to deal with your W's fit all the time. Maybe it's time to create some kind of boundary for your own good.

Life is unfair, cruel, but our treasures must be the most important part of our lives. Think about, try to make it easy, but maybe it's time your kids have a more stable life.

And you too. W wants both worlds, she left and is out there trying to figure it out her big mess and she is also coming back all the time for a little time to play mom with her kids. You need some more peace then you have now. You need that peace so you can handle every issue with your kids right now.

Maybe what I just wrote is not what you want or is looking for, so forgive me and just forget it. But I have kids and I feel my kids are doing better since the boundaries took place in my house.

RD, take good care after yourself. I know how hard it is when you need to live your life and for four other lives at the same time. Be patient, be gentle with yourself.

Hope things get better for you. For me, it's good now, bad later or vice-verse. But I am getting better.

Big hugs for this awesome dad and for his wonderful family.

XOXO
Pink

[rd500]

Hi all. My first backslide since W left. W came to see kids yesterday morning, Ds and I were in bed watching old euro vision winners on the phone. W came in to my bedroom and chatted to us and girls got up. I lay in bed and aw appeared with a cup of tea and a biscuit saying that neither of us get brought tea in bed anymore so here was a treat. I thanked her and we chatted for a few mins. I got up a showered and made myself breakfast while W chatted with me about D13s upset on Friday. I again told while I didn't want to get in the middle of them I also couldn't allow D13 to be upset. W agreed and started to cry here comes the backslide, I gave her a hug and she hugged me so hard it hurt she started saying she didn't know what she was doing and felt that she was ruining everyone's life She said she felt as if her new life wasn't real and she was treating it as a break from reality. I said ( here we go ) that I hoped it was and maybe it would end and we could sort things out. W then took Ds out shopping. When they hope back D13 was not well and Iaw was unwell also. They went to D13s bed I went down after an hour and D13 asked me to put my hand on her forehead which I did. Then W asked me to do same , which I did. I left and got them cold flannels and aw left about an hour later.
kirs and I went bowling and for McDonalds after. Had great time but lost to D10 and S16 !!!!!!!!
Got home about 9,45pm and got text from W to say she hoped we had a good time and thanks for the hug and chat

First backside people so maybe a 2x2 !!!!!!!

Rd

[SunnyB]

RD, maybe that's a backslide, but in the scheme of things I don't think its' too bad. You said what was on your mind, and sometimes that's hard to stop. Unless you carried on some unreported begging, pleading, screaming, and crying, move on.

[Sotto]

I agree RD. Not too bad.....you weren't sobbing and hanging on to your W's trouser bottoms as she tried to leave the house. My main concern for you is if 'that' - ie a day like yesterday becomes a 'way of life' for you. It isn't easy to detach when your W 'partly' wants to be with the family and partly not.

So, I would be inclined to proceed with great caution and zero expectaction....but you know that already!

Sorry to hear about the bowling humiliation - I can only get a score if those side bars are up!

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

I agree with the ladies here. You did what fit for the moment, and it was not a big scene, she open up this side of feelings and you were just honest.

Not bad if you think about what she has been crying about.
But I also would ask you to be very careful, in my sitch you read a lot of stories from when my H was doing exactly the same. Coming and crying and saying how bad life was and how he felt so bad about what he was doing.

Now I can see that he was caring a enormous amount of guilty and want some validation from me to justify his actions against me. I did allow myself to go into the roller coaster and it was not pretty. I do not regret though since it was my hope that H would get some sense and maybe try to work on our M. But in my story, it was just for him to feel better about himself.

So, just be careful. I know somehow it hurts more now because I feel a complete idiot. I allowed H to play with my feelings and it did not help.

I also see that it got worse with my kids. They lost respect for their father. They think he is a Jerk because he played with me and with them too. They say that it's better if their father will just move on and do not turn back. They actually do not want their father back into their lives.

I see your kids are doing things with you. They see a father that is there for them, taking all the responsibility. Your kids are not very young anymore and they have their own opinion. Your W is loosing their respect and soon enough will lose their love. And this also makes it hard on us to decide on keeping DBing and wanting this person back into our lives or we protect our kids and don't want anymore hurts.

If they could just snap out of their craziness, but unfortunately they want it all, the family and their crazy life.

RD, don't punch yourself too hard. You are a human being and what you did and said are perfectly normal if she is approaching you this way. She wants comfort, and it is very hard to understand if it is a sign she is thinking and trying to reach you so she can came back or it is just a lot of guilt and she wants to feel better about the whole mess.

Now, I would insist that there would be better to have some kind of boundary, she comes and goes, cry, say dubious things and yet she does not want to recommit to the M. Why not, why she does not go to MC with you? Why she can't try it slow and give her family a chance if she loves them so much?

I know it is easier to say all this to you, but it's only you that will take any decision regard your situation and that makes it all harder to you. But you know I did the same thing, I allowed my H to be close to me and my boys and he made a huge mess confusing everyone.

I never really understood what boundaries are all about. I even bought some books on the subject. It is not too bad, it can be done very politely. But it will make you feel better and feel you respect yourself and protect your children too.

Hope you and the kids have a better day today.
Take care RD, a big hug and kiss.
XOXO
Pink

[rd500]

Thanks ladies. Pink. I have see what happened in your sitch but for me it's not so black and white. Your H was with OW bUt I still feel like it's not just guilt with him. Make sure there is a lot of guilt but also I have no doubt he is thinking about if he is doing the right thing or not. No one can walk away from a marriage with second thoughts unless there was abuse or something very serious going on

As regards OM my wife insists he is a good friend only and has convinced her sister , my L/C and everyone else but I find it very hard to accept.

Rppfl. No begging no pleading just what I typed. I don't think W wants to comeback now or maybe ever. I think she is lost and wants to try and new life It's not going great but after 4 months of tears and upset she still is out of the house. Actions speak louder than words, etc

Toots. No expectations but maybe I'm letting hope creep back in. Both D10'and S16 hand side rails up but D16 is so erratic that he can get 3 strikes in a row and then gutter the rest


Thank you all for your input. Wish my W had half the character that you ladies posess.

Hugs to you all. Take care. Rd

Ps Typing this while chicken fillets in breadcrumbs cook and roast potatoes brown nicely !!!!

[Vanilla]

RD

Foooood........

Anyway RD, I stil believe you need boundaries on W and your bedroom!

V thinks the hug was ok, and the sooooothing bit looks like chasing.

I have had to stop hugging H as I prefer to be seen less like a parent and more like an adult. If H was in distress then yes I would give H a hug. It is probably time for me to restate.my boundary again with H. No R whilst he is acting compulsive.

I also agree with you the R with OM looks like fascination and infatuation (EA), the irony of this is that for us ladies, bad sex will break the spell. This OM is a real charmer (not) and I think as an alcoholic probably has difficulties in the bedroom department. Not a match for a real loving H like RD (well there are four children, and you ride a motorcycle and you are Irish like Liam). Bad sex would break the spell. OM is being clever and keeping W in EA mode.

How long has this EA been going on RD?

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia, thanks for posting. EA going on about 6-8 months that i know of.

If I'm honest I'm torn over EA or PA. On some days the way she talks about her car or problems at home it doesn't even seem like an EA as she seems very much on her own with her problems and then other days , when she leaves our house just in time to collect OM from work EVERY sat it seems it has to be a EA/PA as W would not run around after anyone normally.

I still let this aspect of W rule my life, I can deal with it better but it's always there just under the surface.

W called house phone yesterday morning and told us she had forgotten to take her mobile to work. She called again later that afternoon to check on kids. W then called house phone to say good night to kids but all kids were busy and did not answer so I answered. She asked to speak to D's (after chatting to me for about 5 min s) but D's shouted goodnight as they could not pause their xbox game, W then asked to speak to me in private. I took phone to another room and W asked me how D13 was now, as she texted D13 earlier but D13 did not respond. I answered W that if I told her the truth it would only upset her but she insisted. I explained that D13 told me that she did not answer W's text becuase W had not called in to see her even though she was sick on Sat afterrnonand that D13 would have to accept that her mum did'nt love her like she used to. W started crying and I told her that in future I was not going to tell her stuff like that (which I hav'nt been doing since she left, unless W asks) but W said she would prefer to know.

On a plus note, I got kids coats on yesterday afternoon, put old socks on their hands, you would have loved the look on their faces !!!!! I then took them outside and we cleaned all the downstairs windows. Good laugh had by all and I got the windows cleaned at a very cheap rate.

Thanks again for posting Vanillia.