My kids are all crazy about the Superbowl. It's the first year that H is not home for it. I asked the boys to have some of their friends over but they don't want. I will respect that, they have a very big connection in football regarding their dad, so it may be their way of coping with all this.
Next week I will also look for a good IC for my kids. Someone that is good with teenagers. I am lucky my kids are very good young man and are doing superb in school. But their anger against their father is not a good sign for a long run.
I am somewhat doing OK. Something tells me this is not over yet. There are so much questions with no answers, there are so many gaps between H and I, I think when time comes and things will settle that's when it will hit hard. Maybe not, maybe it is just my own desire that H is indeed a good person. But, maybe he is done with me and will be happy to get rid of me for good. We will see.
Everyone, including my IC says that the whole adventure is very new and very exciting. But as reality settles in, H will then realize that the grass is not greener in the other side. He will start that feeling once his financials go down the drain.
I will take it easy for now. The one thing that still hurts me the most. And this is being very honest with myself. Is the Rejection. It has been hard to accept that my H is having so much fun with OW and left me with the whole responsibility. For the most part it hurt a lot to think that he is hugging, kissing and making love with her.
I know I should not think about this, but I do and it makes me angry. So I need to work on that to just let go. I also know, that once I let go on that, then I will start detaching. My ego is hurt and I need to find the way to get rid of this kind of feeling. I also know that eventually that will also be gone. I also have this fear that if I let go on this feelings that I will stop loving my H the same way I love him now.
Why I feel this way? I honestly don't know. I have been stubborn even knowing that it is what I am doing. It's kind of crazy to think that I am doing this to myself, but I need to be honest to myself and I know what I am doing.
I have a great desire to start doing some things I dream about. So I think my head is starting to shift and I see a good sign of hope to be someone happy down the road.
