Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

A few things are bothering me this morning...if anyone has any ideas or suggestions on the following I would greatly appreciate some guidance here.

1. H's friend and ex-flatmate is staying over Weds night. H said they can share the sofa together (H has been sleeping on the sofa since BD). I like him and we got on when H lived with him. But I'm worried it's going to be incredibly awkward and am wondering if I should go stay with a friend. I don't want to seem weak though, this is my house and I have every right to be here...so I'm not sure what to do.

2. Boundary setting. I don't think I've ever set a boundary before (!) but I'm not really sure what boundaries to set. There is one area that's been bothering me but I don't know what my "or I will XXX" is. It really annoys me that H always forgets to tell me until the last minute when he's going away for the weekend, especially now because it's hard being alone in the house and I want to make extra GAL plans. But I don't know if this is a reasonable boundary, and I don't know what my "or I will" should be.
Here's what i have so far (thanks Train) : "I don't feel comfortable spending weekends alone at home, especially when I don't feel prepared to be alone. When you make plans to go somewhere for the weekend and fail to tell me in advance, it makes me feel upset. If you continue to leave me here alone without advanced warning, I will (insert what action you will take here)."

3. Detachment & GAL vs. 'doing what works'
I'm confused about how you detach while at the same time, keeping up your 180s and measuring what works (as DR advises). It feels like the more I GAL, the more *H* moves away and detaches himself, so then I feel like what I'm doing is not working. I know I'm not as detached as I'd like to be, because it bothers me. But how can I be detached, and also be measuring and doing what works? I mentioned this a few days ago and was told it might just be part of the process (or of H getting angry because Plan B - me - appears to be falling through). It just seems weird to me that H seems to be moving further and further away. In the weeks immediately after BD he seemed remorseful, he stayed home every night and made me dinner and cried with me and held me and told me he was sad to be giving up this life (although of course he never answered the question WHY on earth he was giving it up then!). We still went to the movies together, and had a bottle of wine and watched TV, or went to a yoga class together. Now, in the last couple of weeks since I've started to GAL, we do absolutely nothing together. We ate dinner at home together once in the last week. I am out nearly every night GAL-ing, and have pretty much arranged my schedule so I'm out whenever he's home. He in turn is out whenever I'm home, and he just goes out acting like a 21 year old and comes back sh!tfaced every. single. night. (If he weren't way too young I'd say he was having an MLC, he seems so determined to recapture his youth!) It just feels like the more I GAL, the more he GALs, and the more I detach the more he does. He's gone home for the weekend to his family and has gone NC, whereas when he was at his parents over New Year's he was texting a few times a day.

4. How to stop blaming yourself
Last, someone pointed out to me that I was self-blaming for a lot of H's behaviours and problems, and that there's a line between self-improvement as part of DBing and self-blame. I'm just not sure how to stop self-blame, any advice on what to practice or read?