Old dog seeks new trick 7

[Old Dog]

I keep going on and on don't I.

[Maybell]

You've got to take your eye off her. You are hurting yourself.

[Old Dog]

I've just been talking to a friend on the phone about moving out.

I can take all my clothes and a few other things round to my mum's tomorrow and stay there tomorrow night.

I've got a spreadsheet open right now with all the joint account transactions in. It's not about the money at all because I was happy providing for my family, but I'm looking forward to cutting that down.

I hope this bitterness wears off soon, I don't like it. It's not me.

[LoveMyW]

OD, detach buddy!!.. You NEED to do this now.. Honestly, you need to not care that she is dating.. That is HER choice, and there is nothing YOU can do about it..

My only bit of advice is to not even acknowledge the existence of OM.. Draw boundaries about OM being spoken about around/to you.. Don't bad mouth him to your W or kids as much as you may want to..

You have to let HER make the mistakes and see the errors.. Now is the time more than ever to make yourself the man she would be a fool to leave..

Also, leave your bitterness at the door.. It does nothing but eat YOU up..

[Old Dog]

I really am much better at detaching than I was before now I've learnt some new tools to help, and I think I could stick it out. But something has to change because I have been doing this now for months and it is not working. In fact it has become worse with OM turning up.

If it's not moving out, then what else can I change. We hardly ever talk about the relationship. WAW is quite happy with me working away during the week and the money I earn, she likes her job 2 mins down the road, she likes the attention OM is now giving her. She's got the kids here.

What is in any of ths for me?

[LoveMyW]

I really am much better at detaching than I was before now I've learnt some new tools to help, and I think I could stick it out. But something has to change because I have been doing this now for months and it is not working. In fact it has become worse with OM turning up.

If it's not moving out, then what else can I change. We hardly ever talk about the relationship. WAW is quite happy with me working away during the week and the money I earn, she likes her job 2 mins down the road, she likes the attention OM is now giving her. She's got the kids here.

What is in any of ths for me?

Agreed that you are more detached now, but it needs to be further..

As they say "do what works".. If you have not found anything that is working, then change until you find something that does.. I spent months myself with no change in my sitch, yet once I got on to LC/NC I noticed changes happening.. My W is starting to spew a bit now and is starting to become slightly wishy washy.. As pointed out to me, and in my own thoughts, her emotions are now starting to play on her mind..

Not saying this is what you have to do, but you have to plant the seed..

How do you know that she is HONESTLY happy with everything that is going on??.. My W always said she was happy with her life when I was in the begging/pleading stage, but I could/can tell it is only superficial.. I look in to her eyes and see that it is a front, much like we all put up to feel happy.. OM is doing nothing but filling a void.. This isn't sustainable just as us LBS acting happy isn't sustainable.. We need to GAL etc to make it true..

What is in this for you??.. Learning and becoming a better man/father.. I was never a bad dad, but now I'm better than I ever was.. Make every moment count..

[gan]

Old Dog - just catching up on the events of the last day or so. Sorry this has put you back in a bit of a spin.

From an outsiders perspective looking in:
- nothing has really changed (W is dating - but you knew that before)
- you are still in the same place trying to figure out your next move
- the options are:
1. Do nothing
2. Stay in the house + GAL big time
3. Move out + GAL
(4. Request W to move out - but that doesn't seem to be on the table)

It's time for you to stop saying oh well and commit to moving yourself from 1 to option 2 or 3. More than any other sitch on here I think you are stuck in 1. I know you are doing a bit of GAL but it's not enough - clearly - as you are still so focussed on W. We joke about you GAL but it's actually very serious. It's the only way you are going to feel like you have any control over your life. And a man who is in control of his life = attractive. A man who is being walked all over? Not so much. There is no way W is going to turn around and think twice based on the current circumstances.

Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and give you big hug...followed by a slap in the face to get you moving!

[Old Dog]

Hey LMW, thanks for chipping in. I do know what you're saying, and when I said what's in it for me, I meant coming back 'home' every weekend not becoming a better man.

I'll sleep on it. Putting the boys to bed already makes me doubt it's the best thing. They really don't know what a crap situation this is.

[Old Dog]

And on that note ganb8te I'm sure I'll sleep easy tonight.

I could do with a big hug though.

[gan]

((((Old Dog))))

It's with love that I say those things, OD. I truly want better for you. It's a crummy situation that your in, no doubt about that. I hope you can find a way forward that works better for you.