She knows you still love her and want her home. She will use that knowledge to try to manipulate your actions and decisions. She wants to make you feel guilty so you stay out of her way. She also wants justification for continuing her A. It makes it easier for her to be angry with you.
Remember, though, she will continue her A - no matter what - until SHE decides to end it. And she will find justification in ANYTHING she wants. Elephants in a three-ring circus, even.
Stay strong.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Ok I will, I am leaving for a week today so will be a great break. I need me time without having her around. She did try pushing to divorce her, she told me to man up and divorce her. I Said, I am not filing becuase I still see hope. I said if you want the divorce you file I will not stand in your way. She had nothing to say. So I told her look in august I'm going to Oklahoma with or without you. The choice is yours so it seems we both have alot to think about and decide. And I left her with I know i have done things to push you farther away but there are things I am glad I did and pressing charges on OM is one of them. That's when I got thE I bet you are happy speach. And then the betrayal comment.
W showed up and gave me no warning. Said she felt betrayed for what I did to OM in reporting him. I was like I am not sorry about my actions. She said you just took the choice away from me and I don't know if I can forgive that betrayal. Hmm what to do now.
A good response to use here is "Everything I'm doing, I'm doing to trying to save our marriage." (or " . . . trying to save our marriage and our family," where children are involved). "I understand that you won't always agree, and I'm okay with that."
Yep. Expect her to lash-out like a toddler who just had a lollipop pulled out of her mouth. Poor baby. It really blows when you learn that you can't have your cake and eat it, too.
You've just shifted things. And she's not going to be happy about it. This is the part where you "take a hit in the nice department." My H lashed out at me, too, after I left flowers and a card for him and OW at a hotel I knew they would be staying at one night. I left there and took a folder full of evidence to OW's H and told him about the A. And then I called OW's boss, because the A had started, and was being carried out, primarily on company time.
H pulled out all the stops to try to get me to D him and leave OW alone. He even PROMISED he would "start being nice" to me - lucky ME, right?!? - if I would just leave OW alone. I mean, wow! Way to pull on my heartstrings, right?! Pfft.
Anyway ...
It's important to understand how imperative it is for you to stick to a tough-love stance once you have decided on it. She will be watching you like a hawk and likely waiting for (and even pushing for) ONE sign of weakness. And if you fall for it, it could cause quite a bit of damage in the respect department. Remember: Strength and honor. You're not doing this to hurt your W. You're doing it because you respect your M and your commitment to her. And you're the only one fighting for that right now. No matter what, I PROMISE you that a woman respects a man who is strong and confident and decisive (please notice I didn't say: "an as$"). She finds those qualities ATTRACTIVE.
You sound really good; that's a great way to kick-off a week-long break. I think it's really good timing and will do you both a lot of good.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I agree train, this break is amazing timing. Now other service member "OM" has a no contact order from her. The best part about it all for me is he is showing his true colors, although she doesn't see it yet. This man continues to go to gym and acro and told her she cannot go because of the no contact order. I was stunned. And of course she blames me forcit. Although this dude is choosing himself over her she can't see yet. But it will come to light one day. I just have to be strong. Hold to my convictions and stand my ground. You guys/gals can't forget you train, have been amazing.
Oh no no no no. More like 7. But a beer sounds better. Gotta say I'ma sleep like a baby. Can't wait to land and get home to family. It's been too long.
- if I would just leave OW alone. I mean, wow! Way to pull on my heartstrings, right?! Pfft. 