Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[sandi2]

I guess I would say my fear is based on the deep love I have for my W since she was a girl.

Can you explain what you mean? How does love cause fear?

Perhaps it has already been mentioned, but if you have not read Co-dependent No More, I think it may help you see things with a different perspective.

I am very traditional also. I can appreciate the fact your wedding vows were serious to you. The WAW (or wayward wife) no longer has the same value she once did, therefore, those vows have run the course in her viewpoint. I say that to tell you this....men tend to waste time crying over how their WAW has changed and keep standing around waiting to see if the girl they M shows up. She is not the girl you M. She has changed.....drastically. In her mindset, the M is over and she has put it in the past. The more you try to change her mind, the worse you are causing her to think about you. I won't put into words just how big a turn-off this can be, b/c I know it is too painful right now to hear it. You just have to accept that the way you have handled yourself thus far is not working.

I'm going to tell you something that you probably won't hear a DB Coach say this plainly. IMO, the WAW needs to believe you are through with the pathetic chasing and begging, and that you are over her. She needs to believe you are enjoying life without her and that you are moving on. When I say she "needs" to believe it, I mean that in order for her to become interested enough in you....these things need to happen. In short, she needs to think she has lost you. I know that may not make a lot of sense to you, since she was the one who wanted out, but I am referring to the nature of most women. It's fine when she thinks she's dumping you, but she starts singing a different tune if she sees it being turned around.

I am not telling you to start dating or anything like that if you aren't ready for it. I'm just trying to get you to see the picture from her view. She was done with you and so you moved down the block from her? You have no life and keep the kids at night (every night?) while she's free to do whatever she wants. Nice for her. You have sit and mourned for her, while she just wants you to find someone else (to get you off her back). Harsh words, but that's it in a nutshell.

I know you'll say you live close by for the sake of the kids, but it really is not a good option b/c you see too much. It is like picking at a sore. Plus, she sees all she needs to see going on in your life, too. (which is nothing) So, she has nothing to be concerned about. She has you just where she wants you to stay. Not good for you, however.

Before you can "win" her back, you are going to have to change some ways about yourself. If you are willing, we can help you. It will not be easy, but you will appreciate it when all is said and done. First, you have to save yourself before you can save your M.

The Scripture talks man & woman becoming one flesh when they M. I have my own personal belief in what that means, as I suppose most people do. However, I don't believe God expected either person to not have their own self-awareness. You are an individual person, who thinks, acts, and feels independently from your S. It sounds sweet when you say you never thought of "I", but more in "we". I am sincere when I say it really sounds sweet. My grandparents were very much of that same mindset. However, if it reaches a point that it is no longer a "healthy" relationship, but more of a dependent one....then you have to take a long look at yourself and see what happened to make "you" disappear. Can you agree with me so far?

You have continued to live as though you are an extension of your W. You can't heal from this pain as long as you keep that way of thinking about yourself. You need to ween yourself from your W. It's never easy to ween ourselves from anything we feel we can't survive without. However, it can be done. And in doing so, I think a new you will start to shine through. You will learn how to live and enjoy life again. You will become the man you want to be. A man with self-confidence and one who your W may decide she'd be a fool not to have him. But whether she does or doesn't....you will be happy.

Don't believe it? There are threads on the board that tells of several who were in similar shoes, who discovered they were happy again. Some of these men were not able to save their M, but they were happy with who they had become. Does that make sense?