I never posted to you or anybody on that other forum. That place is a free for all but you got some good advice mixed with some awful advice and it was on you to discern the difference. That's the advantage of more strongly moderated forums that have an actual program in that you won't get such extremely terrible advice from women haters on one side and complete wayward posters on the other. You were completely unprotected on that forum.
That being said, we can't go backward and fix things either.
I'm sorry you took offense to my "back up" statement. It's been a week since I posted it so I'm not even going back to read it. Suffice it to say that I was a "back up" so to speak myself as the OM dumped my wife, leaving my wife "stuck" with me. Didn't bother me one bit. She was MY wife and I fought for her. Once the affair was over I figured or hoped I could be a part of rebuilding our marriage and she'd either love me again or not. But I didn't sit around waiting for the affair to end. I attacked it.
That isn't the program here on DB. It's a little more laissez faire and I respect that. It's MWD's plan and I think it's a little late in your fight to all the sudden change back into attack mode. Wouldn't be effective either as your wife has detached from you as well.
The point being, my yardstick for progress (as far as reconciliation is concerned) is whether the affair continues or not. Almost all affairs end within 2 years. Most men can't and don't stick around that long and it's brutal psychologically and physically on those that do. I'm glad to see you in an emotionally better place than you were last year. Detaching is part of the healthy process of letting go...in the event they don't come back too. However, the only progress towards reconciliation I see here is you are closer to the 2 year mark when almost all affairs end. The affair is still on which means your wife is still miles from having romantic feelings for you again. Which [censored]. Which leaves you in limbo. Which even if and when they break up and you get back together leaves you feeling like a back up plan (in comparison to guys that more aggressively fight for their marriages and say, for example only, scare OM into dumping their wives and moving on to easier less complicated single women).
Waiting is fine. Marriage is a valuable societal construct and I support your gallant efforts to save your marriage and family. Some OM"s are harder to shack off than others so no matter what you tried early on (fighting or taking a 2 year trip to Alaska to be a crabber) you could have ended up exactly where you are today simply awaiting the end of the affair. I got lucky more than a decade ago....who knows if you may have been or not and that's a regret you may or may not have to live with one day when inevitably, your wife tells you about times you maybe could have put a stop to this (which may or may not actually be true...just her perception).
Hope is a powerful thing. I like that you still have hope. As long as one spouse is fighting for a marriage, hope remains for that family and your feistiness towards me shows a renewed strength.
Have you ever tried to....I don't know, "court" your wife away from OM? Maybe she is boring of him and the "spark" is leaving their relationship enough that she could be vulnerable to your attention. You are still her husband (and her God given Soulmate) and their isn't even a divorce petition occurring. Like most romantic relationships perhaps she'd be initially most vulnerable to a close non-sexual friendship with you. OM could then become the jealous and controlling one as she fights more and more to spend time with you. It's a pretty sly way to undermine the affair (remembering that there is NO PROGRESS and you are to have NO EXPECTATIONS until the affair is absolutely over).
Maybe that could be your new 180 plan, but I understand if you feel it's too much trying and not enough detaching and waiting. Your call. This is your life and marriage and you are way beyond crisis mode and capable of making your own choices. I just think it's healthier to be a bit more proactive. Men have been fighting for women since the beginning of time. It's the natural order of things and, accordingly, may make any actual recovery easier as you'll have a feeling of prevailing over the OM versus getting OM's left overs. Women respond to it as well, especially wayward women who think they are teenagers again.
Much Love ~ these aren't easy choices but you are a man and free to decide what's best for you in your situation.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
