Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

I'm feeling really confused today - my brain seems all over the place.

I keep wondering wth I'm doing - I mean, why on earth am I trying to save my M with someone who seems so desperately to not want to be with me? And are my perceptions really so off that I didn't see this coming at all? Makes me question if everything was real. H is a good guy, really, or at least he has been an amazing partner up until now, but I do keep wondering why on earth I still love him when he's acting like this, and why I want to be with him.

And then on the other hand, I feel like *I'm missing something*. I was thinking earlier about which of H's needs I wasn't meeting and it just feels like I'm doing a guessing game on all of this. How am I supposed to figure out what his 'problem areas' with me were and then do 180s (assuming those are things I want to work on) if he never really gave me a clue because he was scared of conflict? So far I've been making 180s on things I already knew I wanted to change (before BD), or stuff he sort of implied, or I guessed he didn't like but didn't know for sure... I haven't gotten 5LL yet but I've read a few articles and taken a quiz and I think mine is quality time (followed closely by physical touch and words of affirmation), and I can see how he wasn't meeting that (but I'm not saying that was his fault, because I didn't know it and didn't tell him). But I'm not sure what his was or how I was missing out, I would have said physical touch except we were really great at that. One thing MC said was we'd ended up where we are because we "lacked a forum to express our needs."

On a sidenote, for those of you who are following my sitch and know I was snooping/worried about a potential OW, I've stopped snooping but I'm still keeping my eyes open. Although tbh all I'm getting is mixed signals. He's going home to his parents for the weekend, and I watched him pack his bags this morning. In 2 minutes flat, he opened a suitcase and dumped socks, underwear and a few t-shirts in there, just grabbing fistfuls of stuff from his drawer and then cramming it all in. He didn't take nice clothes, cologne or even a pair of pants (can only assume he's planning to wear the same jeans he wore to work this morning the entire time), so I could be wrong but it screamed 'boys weekend with the brothers', not romantic fling. Last night he was on his phone for awhile (not that long, about 10 minutes but I got suspicious), and turned away from me when I walked into the room (which set off alarm bells)...but then got into bed to watch TV and put the phone down between us, facing up (even *I* don't do that, I always put my phone face down).

One memory that keeps popping up today and I don't know why. In our last session with our first MC in December (we saw two MCs between Dec & early Jan and BOTH treated the M as dead, argh!) she asked us to spend 2 minutes visualizing how we saw our future, after the end of our M. Well, easy one - I saw a long, winding road with a few barriers on the path I'd have to get around. H saw a movie with a split screen, with one of us on each side of the split screen, walking down a road, but separately, then at the end, meeting each other in a coffee shop (and the split screen fading to full screen when we met on camera). In my head, I jumped to conclusions and it made me really hopeful because it made me think that potentially he saw a reconciliation in the future. MC saw it differently and said "ok, I get it, so you think you will be friends and meet for coffee?" I don't know why this kept coming up in my head today - maybe because it's interesting how we can come up with wildly different interpretations of something. Confusing!