Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

Everyone , thank you for coming by and showing love.


I am at rock bottom. I feel like I have a gaping chest wound that's bleeding (just like Ss said) everywhere and the proverbial blood loss is taking it out of me. I just want to curl up and sleep. But I can't sleep the pain away.

H is on the search for his true authentic self. Apparently, that true authentic self doesn't include a life with me. And it makes me wonder about the last ten years. I was blindingly happy. I can't trust my judgement or what he's said about it, because is it actually the truth?

Looking back over the past months, the signs were there that this wasn't an authentic shot at reconciliation. He had a lot of excuses for things - he blamed them most on the depression. He would make plans and cancel. "Because he was tired and in a bad mood and didn't want to take it out on me." I think he was trying, the best he knew how , but couldn't force himself to go through with it. Because it wasn't what he wanted. I was too blind with hope that it was real. This is why we preach no expectations.

He won't come back. He didn't want to in the first place. And no matter how much I may want things to go my way, he wants things to go his way. Because he's checked out, because he's lost, because I am the big bad wolf, because he's unhappy. Because he wants a kid. And I don't.

And there's no coming back from that.