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[Panthr]

Being in Limbo….

It’s been a few days since I have written anything. Really nothing has changed much at home. W continues to not look my way, pretend as I do not exist at all. Her interactions have been better with the kids (how she use to be) but they do seem forced as if she is trying too hard. I think she has realized that the kids are gravitating towards me and I’ve been the one spending time with them.

Just to recap, the silent treatment has pretty much constant since 12/30 when she found the GPS on the car. In mid January we had a big blow out, the worst in all of our years where she actually said the “D” word. Things calmed down and no mention again of it and then there was some small talk in subsequent days. Things became silent as I continued my 180s. She went out for happy hour last week, I let her know that I had plans for happy hour last Friday and was going out last Saturday. Silent treatment ramped up and she out of the blue last Friday told me she was going out (acame home at 2am)---I didn’t ask questions at all. And the following days he didn't ask anything of me when I came home late.

Now while I was out last weekend she had found some notes I had jotted down that I had hidden in my shoe in the closet while I had taken S5 to a birthday party last week. It basically paraphrased my reasons for wanting continue the fight but also that I wouldn’t wait forever. They were words that a veteran had written on here a while back and the words resonated with me. Part of me wanted to her find it –which she did. My notes basically read……

"I don’t like being made a fool of , but standing for my marriage is part of my plan. I am making a choice to stand for my marriage at this moment even though my wife is having an affair and is refusing to work at the marriage, but I have made this choice for a period of time and will hold out as long as I can. My wife is an adult and I cannot control her and I praying she comes to her senses soon before my love for her runs out, but I will hold on to the best of my ability. This is my decision and what I am standing for. I am here for her when she is ready to do the necessary work and clearly she isn’t ready to do that right now. I believe I am showing character and strength by letting her know that I am willing to suck it up, forgive, love.

Why continue in the marriage and fight for her? (paraphrased)
Because I took a wedding vow before God and took it seriously> itw as not “for better or for better yet”, it was “for better or for worse”, because I loved her and we had a lot of shared history together, when we work together, we are dynamic , because I didn’t want to demonstrate to the boys that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand for what is important to you, for as long as you can, for the best fo your ability, because if the situation were revered, I would hope that she would do the same for me, because I didn’t want to go to my death bed with regrets, that I should have tried harder, if I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of saving my marriage and keep my family intact."

So right now I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m remaining positive around the house, doing some 180s but it seems like she has continued to shut down. I’d like to think I'm doing the right things, but without pursuing there aren’t any openings to communicate. It seems like a high stakes game of chicken.

HC