Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

Journaling:

I am right back in the place I was when the BD back in September. It's been a week and I can already tell I've lost weight, again. Weight I haven't out back on since last BD. I went to work today. Didn't do much but look at the screen. Was supposed to work from home tomorrow but will have to go in to do some work.

I don't know how we got here. I thought everything was fine. I always spoke my mind when I had problems, I thought my H (I refuse to type stbx) would do the same. He didn't. He bottled everything up inside until it became too much for him to handle. Until he resented me. Until he blamed me. Communication was never really "allowed" in his house. They were taught to ignore, head in the sand and it will all go away. His own mother admitted that was how she taught her boys to react, because she reacted that way herself. Right before she gleefully told me I was getting divorced.

I am in shock. My mind boggles how our pasts come to be and intertwine with others. Sometimes they can be beautiful. Other times they can be toxic. My marriage was a bit of both, I suppose. Damaged boy from a drug filled, alcoholic home brought lack of communication, coping skills, and a lack of self esteem to the table. Boy meets girl who comes from divorced parents, mentally Ill father, absuive backgrounds, trust issues, a need to control to prevent further hurt from damaging this already damaged girl. They meet. They fall in love. And they secretly expect the other to fill the damaged parts. To make them better. One realizes it. One doesn't. One wants it. The other doesn't. And so they twist and turn until they're both broken.

This is what I know, right now.

H and I are both unbelievably broken.
H doesn't want to be married to me.
H is a people pleaser.
H lies to people and tells them what they want to hear.
H has a lot of work to do, that may or may not be done.

C is DeVestated
C feels like this is her fault
C feels abandoned and unloved
C doesn't know what to do next
C feels very alone and hopeless
C is talking in third person, ha.

And I'll leave it with this: last night I had an appointment with my IC and she said that H didn't realize that he had the ability to hurt me. That he has built me up in his head as this impenetrable person, where nothing gets through and I'm
Not bothered by anything. H hurt me, beyond belief. Hurt me more
than anyone ever has. It's just too bad the vulnerability that he probably needed to see? That would make me human, make me softer? It's too bad he's walked away and refusing to speak to me. He might be surprised at what he Would see.

Can't make a horse drink. And you can't make someone want to be with you if they don't.