Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[AJM]

I guess over time I will find the best ways to help my girls. I actually envy my W. She just doesn't care so is going blissfully through life only caring about herself. What a life. And she complains how "hard" things are!

Be careful with that thinking, Matt. Envying somebody who checked out of life, is angry, confused, etc? Think about that. I know you're casually mentioning it and likely wouldn't want to change places, but try not to even let the thought enter your mind. It's slippery.

And yes, you will figure out how to help the girls grow up and be women. Believe me, your W won't likely change any time soon, if at all. Self-centered thinking takes on a life of its own.

I can tell you that years after this began for me (outwardly), my ex is still trying to show anger toward me. In between telling me how happy she is and glad she cheated etc. or asking for something. The inconsistent nuttiness continues. And both her and her husband don't care if they hurt the kids. They're just pawns to them. An avenue to get at me, judging by their actions. All while telling old friends how evil I am and what a terrible father etc.

I suppose it's all perspective, academically. But I see the self-centered anger and childish behavior. Right down to the third-grade vernacular in the email exchanges. For me, it's a few months from over. My youngest turns 18. This outwardly started when he was 11.

My suggestion? Stop thinking about what she "should" do, and reset your expectations to zero with her. Once you do that, it frees you up to be the father your daughters need, vs. the father that tries to just be better than his ex. Not that you're doing that, but it's easy to do in these situations. I've done it and didn't even realize it for a long time. Once I did, it became easier to drop all of that and it caused the ex to become subversive in her efforts to show anger toward me. i.e. I let go and let her go from all aspects.

I still parent my son, but at his age that's not nearly as much as I was doing. I still protect both kids from their mom and step-dad. But I'm selective with that. More than even before.

Result? My kids notice. They notice their mom and her actions toward me and toward them. It's part of them learning and forging the relationship with their mom they want to have at this point.

In other words, focus on you and being a parent. Let W spin herself out. She needs to anyway. It frees you up for the new job, new life and focusing on the girls. Not much time for anything else, ya know?

AJ