New... hurt, confused, want to walk away...

[Sadie13]

It is very confusing!!! All the limbo and walking on eggshells business is frustrating...I'm a deal-with-it-and-be-done kind of person. Obviously that won't work here.

My affair was actually about 2.5 years ago. I can understand that he is still angry and hurt...I would be too. But I wish, for his sake, that he would take some steps to talk or work through it, counseling, anything. He just holds on to the resentment.

I think he was not happy in the marriage before...whether it was me or life I don't know. But since I had an affair, now he has an excuse to be justified in his anger and actions, because I "deserve it." I feel like I've lost any say I have in anything...like because of what I did, anything he does now is ok. He has the upper hand in this marriage now, and whatever he does I just have to take it. He has said this specifically. In a way I think he enjoys having this to hold over me...because then it excuses his behaviors and he doesn't have to feel guilty. It's all my fault, of course.

I can forgive myself and put it past me. I think I will always feel guilty for causing him so much pain, but that's a good reminder not to do anything like it ever again. I just don't know if he is willing to forgive me, ever. He seems to think we have no future because he won't be able to forgive and move on. I am not sure that he's really even tried to.

Why did you decide to forgive your husband's affair?

Of course you have a right to be happy! And if you need more from life, you have a right to go out and get it. I guess what it might come down to is, at some point you realize people are the way they are, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you need more affection and support - and he is not willing or able to give you what you need - then you have to decide if you love him enough to forgive those parts of him that don't or can't meet your needs, and accept him the way he is.

If that's not enough for you, and if you know you will be resentful of him if you stay, then you have to decide what's best for you. Have you read the DB or DR books? Thought about setting goals or doing some 180's yet?