Sadie - Hot and Cold

[Sadie13]

I thought I'd go through Sandi2's 37 rules list and point out what is and what's not working. Sorry for these long posts. Any feedback or comments will be greatly welcomed!

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

--Err…well I mostly don’t do this…except when I do. The thought of him actually going through with this terrifies me…it’s like I’m looking at my best friend who is now an alien. What do I do if I know he is going to the attorney? Say nothing, smile at the lies that he is going somewhere else and let him go? I panic. Every instinct in me is screaming to not let him out of my sight. I don’t know how to turn that instinct off. Could definitely use some suggestions!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

--Very, very guilty of too many phone calls and texts. I like to know where my family members are, and that they are safe. I have always been like this. It gives me a sense of security I guess, plus with H in particular I just miss him. When I do manage to not call/text for awhile, he will almost always contact me first and ask what I’m doing. I need to get better at this.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

--I don’t do this. But friends and acquaintances of ours often say how we are such a good/cute/well-matched couple, and I think this is because we have always had an unspoken agreement to put on a united front in the presence of others. At these times we are a team, and only maybe twice in our whole marriage have we ever broken this agreement in front of anyone. I love to hear this, BUT it makes H furious, because he thinks it’s all a big lie, that we are just pretending to be a perfect couple.

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

--In the beginning, I did this way too much. Now I’m much better about it. We will usually end up in the same room by default (i.e. watching tv) but I don’t follow him there. If I park myself in another room purposely, half of the time he will migrate to where I am. When he doesn’t it’s usually (but not always) an indicator of how angry he is at me at the moment.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

--Again, I used to do this but have gotten much better. Often what will happen is H will say things indicative of future plans – a concert we should see coming up, leaving a backup of my sports equipment at his mother’s house so we don’t have to travel with it, renovating parts of the house – and then it’s like he will catch himself and get angry at both of us. What I usually do with these statements now is give a generic agreement, “Yes, good idea,” or some such thing. Then I change the subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

--I do not. I only talk to one friend about this because she is discreet, positive, and very supportive. None of my family members know what’s going on. H, however, tells his mother EVERYTHING.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

--I don’t ask for verbal reassurances but I will on occasions ask for hugs and kisses. I should probably stop that.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

--Guilty. I always bought him small gifts before because I like to make him happy, so I never really stopped. So I guess I should stop?

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

--This doesn’t really apply because we are together almost all the time anyway…we never had “dates” like this. If this refers to romantic type evenings…we never did much of it.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

--Working on this. I like to be informed so I know where I stand, but I hate to see things that he has written to multiple OW…it kills me.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

--I sometimes say, “I like you,” but not I love you. He was not one to say it very much anyway. His usual response is “well that’s your problem.”

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

--I am not good at this! My whole life is wrapped up in him. I am used to anticipating his needs and taking care of him. And he will very often request my help. I don’t know where the line is. Sometimes I will refuse a request by saying, “I have to take care of (something for me) now, but maybe later I can help you.” This makes him angry and he will accuse me of taking advantage of his generosity…I know it’s ridiculous when he does that but I hate the conflict. My attitude is generally good. I don’t stay upset for long.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

--I do this, and I try to dress the way I know he prefers me to dress when I can. Sometimes he will compliment me but I never ask for compliments anymore.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do.

--Hmm…I need to get better at this…the problem right now is that I’m almost paralyzed but the fear that if I leave him alone for one second…he will call or go to the divorce lawyer. So when I try to go out and do things on my own, I spend the whole time thinking and worrying and calling and texting him…it’s bad, I know.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad.

--I have scaled back my conversation a lot. I’m not sure if he really notices. One night, though, I was washing his face and moisturizing it for him while he was lying down (like a spa facial – and if I don’t do it he won’t take care of his skin) and he said, “See how much better it is when you are quiet and take care of me?” It was borderline offensive, but I just smiled and kept going. I realized that he was trying to tell me what would help him feel better.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!!

--Guilty, guilty, guilty!!! I have a feeling that this bothers him A LOT that I do this, like I don’t trust him. Well, I don’t! And I worry about his safety at times. But I need to stop this cold turkey. Right now.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

--How? By doing things like continuing my studies or building my career? Not moping around the house maybe?

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing.

--Working on it…could use some more ideas though.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.

--I try hard to do this. I try to keep a soft smile or a neutral expression on my face at all times, no matter what I am feeling.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

--I don’t ask, but sometimes I think the waiting in limbo will kill me.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

--Pretty good at this. I don’t like to fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

--Okay with this one.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

--Need to get better at this. And at not defending myself anymore.

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

--It does work. I just need to do it better before I am out of time.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.

--Yep, okay with this one. I stop what I am doing and give him my full attention.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

--I’ve gotten much better at this.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

--Work in progress. I am eatier healthier, taking vitamins, taking walks, doing yoga, meditating…it does help me keep my peace.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

--I do this often.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

--Consistency is not my forte, especially when things start to look up. I relax a little, I start to think that maybe this bad stuff is over…then it all crashes down again.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.

--Working on this.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

--Okay on this.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

--Trying. It’s hard not to believe when H screams these awful things at me.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

--I’m not a quitter…that’s why I’m here. I just get scared.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

--Okay on this.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

--Guilty. Will try harder.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

--No problem. I prefer to stay home anyway.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

--Trying not to. Not easy!