Hmm.. I guess I see both pros and cons to the email, depending on how comfortable you feel. For me, the in-person (or even phone) conversations were hard because I would start crying and it was very difficult to not ask a bunch of questions like "Why are you doing this? How can you not see that we can work this out?" etc. So if you think you can handle the in-person and that's what you want, I see no issue in asking for that. I mean he did say to let him know what you prefer, right? I don't necessarily see via email as not facing the issue, but rather a way to potentially deal with this in a less stressful way.. depending how you think you'll be affected by the in-person conversation.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I get where you're coming from, Ss, my STBX worked himself into a four page lather of righteousness when he asked for our separation. It was all about him and his bliss and how I couldn't help him find it. Gag.
HOWEVER, by the time we had the conversation you're facing, I had had a lot of time to realize who he really is and how little a place I had in his thinking. I also didn't have fresh visuals of all my evidence in my mind. It was a lot easier for me to be calm than I think it would be for you. Which doesn't mean I think you should choose one way or another.
He's asking, but that doesn't mean you have to do things in his time. You know what you want: to get your ducks in a row and make sure you and D7 are protected. Whether that requires a private conversation, a meeting with lawyers, or him holding forth in an email, that's up to you. AFTER you've taken some good advice.
He's the one proposing the forward motion, so you're the one holding better cards at the moment. Don't intimidate yourself into thinking you've got no power. You've been really smart with this. That is power. It won't hurt at all to let him sweat a little bit. Do what feels appropriate to you.
Race you to the end.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Met with two attorneys back to back this morning...
You're all right. I do feel better. Less anxiety for sure.
The first one, a recommendation from a friend, really impressed me and seemed to GET my case. She explained the process very simply to me, discussed possible snags, figured numbers, looked at EVERYTHING, and really explained everything to me in very good detail without overwhelming me with legal jargon and whatnot. I like her. A lot.
The second one, almost the minute I sat down I felt like he could have been an attorney advertising on TV. He brought in two other attorneys to listen in. He asked me the other attorneys names I'd spoken to, I told him the one I'd just seen and he said "she's smart and VERY good. She knows her stuff and she's sharp... but she's more litigious and I don't think you need that". Well, I'll be the judge of that, thank you. I felt like his philosophy about law was that it is more about juggling the opponents defensiveness than anything else. Interesting though.
I don't know. Just didn't get a great vibe from the second guy. The first woman is twice as expensive though. I'm going to think about it and look around some more, too. I'm not in any real hurry.
I woke up feeling solid and I'm feeling even more secure after my appointments.
I need to think about what direction I really want this to take. I have many options but two seem the most reasonable.
1. mediate which means stbx and I sit across a room from each other and try to work out all the details with the help of an impartial mediator. I'll have guidance and support from my atty behind the scenes but not actually during mediation. I have NO IDEA how much stbx will fight on anything so while it's an option, if things get ugly, we might have to go to an option 3 anyway.
2. stbx and I work out the details, I tell my attorney (and if H wants to get one, he can), she writes it up, we sign and we're done. No mediator necessary, no attorneys necessary except for the official writing up of the final docs for agreement. This is by far the smoothest and least expensive option.
Unwanted 3rd option:
We sit across the table with attorneys on both sides hashing out our disagreements and if we can't figure them out, we head to court. Not fun.
Strangely, one of the things i'm most worried about is that once i pay a retainer fee, that's on record and stbx will know. How do I avoid that? Hmmmm....
Big event tonight at D's school that I'm cohosting. If I sleep well, maybe I'll schedule a meeting stbx for this weekend. I feel like I can handle it now.
If anything I've learned about this process is this: a VERY good attorney can be a good ally in your corner. I wouldn't recommend that you and SBTX go at it alone without your L's advice and counsel.
Your vibes are very valuable in the discernment department. Follow them. I've learned the hard way that when I discount my gut instincts, things backfire on me. So I am and have been working on heeding to my gut/vibes more frequently. Bottom line, I cannot imagine handling the division of assets and the sale of the marital home without my own lawyer. She had my back the entire time and protected me from the emotional impact of the nightmare of "splitting" things up.
When you retain a L, it just means that you've locked down on a L. If and when you're ready, you can tell L that she has the green light from you to inform H that you've retained her services (hint, hint). The clock starts when the L contacts H and begins to count down on the billable hours (emails, letters, phone calls). So you would want to be judicious with contacts. My advice is to get down all questions, concerns, and issues all in one email. This way, the L cannot make multiple charges on multiple emails. Be real smart and strategic about your contacts with your excellent L.
You don't enter negotiations naked without a seasoned professional by your side.
STBX and I were able to work thing out between the two of his (and his lawyer wrote it up.
However, our finances are quite simple,there's no spousal support involved, and despite his comments about being an active dad - the most he ever asked for was two nights a week (which he basically gets - its just less in the school year and more in the summer). And frankly, STBX just seems like he is a sprint to put this behind him and frankly, he has a lot of guilt and shame going on.
One giant red flag in your sitch is this business about the tax returns. I can't think of any good reason he would have been evasive about these- unless its something embarrassing like getting charged a penalty for late filing. I would get your hands on these sooner than later.
If you end up meeting with him - you might be able to get a good idea about which way the wind is blowing - and then pick which option you want to pursue.
And remember - none of those options are set in stone - you can start on your own, and if it doesn't work out move to a mediator etc. If you do use a mediator - you can still get advice from your own atty.
And regarding the cot of the first atty you liked - probably totally worth it. In my sitch STBX is paying all the actual costs to divorce. My comment was that it was all his idea and he could pay for it.
Yeah, the tax return thing... I don't know what to think. I'm not so sure it's completely sinister but it is strange.
He doesn't have any kind of organizational system, never has. Contracts for projects are scattered around in his car, opened and unopened bills in 5 different places, medical docs, just all kinds of paperwork is all over the place. There's no order or plan... He has always lived life by the seat of his pants like this. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he loses his keys in three minutes no matter where he is and they're never near his sunglasses which are also lost inside of three minutes.
To get my hands on these tax returns I'm going to have to talk to him about what path we're taking on this D route. He'll just have to cough them up or get them from the accountant.
Things were strange yesterday. I went by Ds karate class and he was there. We chatted for a bit about her week, etc. Somehow he mentioned that he is now seeing a psychiatrist. I simply asked if he was OK. He said he was. I know he's depressed and incredibly angry but the past few encounters he seems more grounded and real. Maybe he's on something? I didn't inquire further but he told me about the psychiatrist the same way he tells me things of vulnerability: "I shouldn't be telling you this but..."
Also last night at the school event I was working, he brought D7 so she could hang with her friends. He was very engaged with me, asking if I needed help, asked how things were going, etc... At the end he drive me to my car (I had to park in Egypt) and he opened my car door for me. Something he has not done since before BD. It's nothing, I know that but it stuck out so much to me.
Anyway... My anxiety is a but more in control. My bestie called me yesterday to see how my meetings with the attys went. Her mom is visiting her and her mom divorced her dad when my bestie was 12 so she wanted to talk to me and encourage me, etc. it was so nice. My bestie's mom is a true woman of strength and grace with a grounded and reasonable head on her shoulders so it was just wonderful to chat with her, hear her opinion on the atty I'm probably going with, to make suggestions on how to handle moving, etc. it was just really nice.
