I have no doubt I need to find an IC. I don't feel that self esteem is a big issue for me. However, you make a good point. This situation has hurt my self esteem. Possibly more that I realized.
I think that my biggest mistake in this marriage was not communicating. I did not talk to her about anything other than basic chit chat. I don't think we ever talked about our plans for the future. We never discussed family trips, what will the kids be when they grow up, or what our future may hold. I've been trying to pin point when that break down occurred and I think it was just before our first child was born. I remember feeling that any conversation would lead to an argument. So I kept all conversations to a minimum. Since that seemed to be a good way to avoid arguments, I held steady until I got the divorce papers 8 years later.
By not communicating with her, removing myself from the marriage, I never had a true understanding of what she needed and wanted in a marriage so she could be happy. Over the past month we have been talking more than we had the past few years. I can't begin to tell you how awful I feel for my past actions. The pain I feel for not making her feel like a wife should feel, for not making her feel loved, wanted and happy hurts me greatly.
I have been working hard this past month to be more open with her and we have talked several times about issues that have brought her to this point.
She has noticed the changes I have made. I have been spending more time with the kids, focusing on projects around the house, and talking to her. She worries that they're only short term changes, which I completely understand. To me, I am really enjoying being a better father and husband.
I have been thinking about if I really want this marriage to work. Right now it's a hard question for me to answer. I dread the thought of not seeing my kids every single day of my life. I can't imagine living without my family. However, we really do not have much in common. She feels we made a mistake getting married and I am starting to think she may be correct.
I finally made it to one of the few book stores left in the world and picked up DB and DR. Reading them now.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
