Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Moving over reply to comment from previous thread...

Just to make sure...so it's like right now, I am 'playing a part' almost (imagining myself as Joyce Davenport or another female heroine) and sticking to the tactics, not showing all my feelings, whilst working on improving myself. Later, if we get to the piecing stage, then my authentic self will start to come back out as we work through things (also difficult from what I hear). Yes?

If I may speak for Toots & Starsky, I'd say the answer is YES!

Got it. Thanks!

Train, I read through some of your old threads from your sitch earlier and I have to say I am INSPIRED by your strength! Can I use you as my role model instead of Joyce Davenport?

Your GAL schedule sounds FABULOUS!

Thank you! I'm lucky in that I live in a huge city with loads of things going on (many free!) so I am never stumped on what to do. (I hadn't really though that much about it until catching up on some others' threads like Frank who live in really remote places but I am lucky to live somewhere with so many opportunities)

You asked this: I did not invite H to any of my birthday celebrations - have i done the right thing?

My response was going to be something long-winded like this: Yes, I think you made the right choice.

... But let me add a side note or two (IOW, let me ramble; LOL) that goes back to something I think you've written about recently: What sometimes helped me to remember was that my H was going to do what he wanted to do, and there was NOTHING I could do to change his mind. If his mind was going to be changed, he would be the one to change it. Maybe the changes I made in myself would help attract him back. Maybe they wouldn't. (They did.)

I didn't have to ask myself much if inviting my H to something was a good idea. He was in an A, and that made everything really cut-and-dry for me. I wouldn't act like I was M *at all* while he was actively sleeping with OW. In your case? Without knowledge of an OW, you CAN invite your H places. But here's the thing: You'd have to ask him in a way that's clear that you are unattached to his decision to go or not. You're going with or without him, and whether he goes or not is entirely up to him. You'll be having a great time, with or without him. I'd ask myself: "Am I emotionally ready for him to reject me, or turn me down, if I invite him?" I wouldn't invite him UNTIL you can completely unattach from his response.

When you first asked about whether you were right in not inviting H to your bday festivities, my mind immediately thought: Yikes. I'm betting it's too early to invite him somewhere; how would she feel if he turned her down this early in the game?

And then I read this: frankly, I think it would be awkward to have him there and make it harder for me to have a nice evening if I felt like I had to filter myself in his presence.

And that told me the answer to this: have i done the right thing?

I think you absolutely have. And I'm impressed that you have that kind of clarity and self-awareness and confidence this early into your situation.

Happy (Early) Birthday!

Thank you for the bday wishes! And thanks for that, that does make sense, needing to get to a place where it doesn't matter whether he'd say yes or no. Will keep that in mind, if and when I want to invite him to anything.

I have bouts of self-confidence and wavering, but I keep telling myself it's normal to have up and down days in this process...