So I just don’t know quite where to start but I have been reading books on separation and reconciliation and scouring the internet for anything and everything that might help me understand or give me guidance. I was so pleased to find this site and forum as I’m so very desperate for help and do not want to give up on my marriage.
A little bit about me: I am 44, W is 45. We met at 16, married at 18 (high school sweethearts). D (22) lives on her own, S (18), and after fostering for a couple years we adopted S (9) and D (7) about 3 ½ years ago.
My current situation: M for 26 years, we are separated and have been for over a year. S (18) came to live with me 6 months ago. S (9) and D (7) spend every other week with me. I made the mistake of moving out which I wish I hadn’t as I know it’s only contributed to where we are at now. My W had began changing about 3 years ago and we went through a couple of series of inappropriate texting and pictures with other people. She was changing and pushing for her independence and it frightened me as we had always been so close, as one. I know now that being individuals is healthy and needed in a relationship but at the time I was terrified and over-controlling as she had changed her appearance, her dress, and I felt she was being inappropriate on FaceBook with people she didn’t even know. By the way, I think FB is a marriage killer…
We moved 2 ½ years ago from a large house with land to a small house in the downtown area. This is something she wanted to do as we were financially strapped in the larger home and it took so much of our time. She started going to the local bar which was 4 blocks away regularly. This made me very uncomfortable and we argued about it often. She drank often (which was very unlike her), she no longer believed in God (which she had been the one to bring me to God early in our relationship), and she even got a DUI about 2 years ago. Just over a year ago I left as I was at my wits end and didn’t know what to do. I had somehow convinced myself that she would wake up and want me back…wrong.
About 6 months ago she told me she ILYB, not like a wife or lover. For this past 18 months she frequented the bar increasing to being daily and hours on end. Those became her close friends, or as she called them her family. Prior to moving out I actually found her in an apartment of a man from the bar and she admitted that they had slept together a few months previously. I was devastated. She quit seeing him for a while but is friends with him now but is not with him. She didn’t want me going to the bar, I wasn’t welcome. I have been trying for the past year to convince her to try. We did a couple counseling sessions this past summer which ended with her telling the counselor she didn’t want to be married and she quit going. She liked being independent and just wanted to be alone. I have continued individual counseling since.
Just before the xmas holiday she said she didn’t want to try but she was tired of trying to make me give up and would try. This was short lived as after the holiday she said she didn’t want to try. She told me she didn’t like anyone and didn’t want to. 2 weeks ago I texted her saying I could tell she would not allow herself to connect to me and asked her if she had emotionally connected with someone else. She said yes and that she was sorry. I was and am devastated. As soon as she told me that all of a sudden I would see a truck parked outside of her house. I guess this was the moment she was waiting for me to know and since then this truck is at her house at night and there in the morning as well when she doesn’t have the kids. On the weeks she has the kids his truck is there after kids go to bed so he is staying over while my kids are there which is so very painful to me. This past weekend the kids told me they watched a movie with W and her guy friend. Then the next evening his truck was at her house and it was hours before the kids bedtime so she has him around them in the house.
She admitted she likes this man and says our time is over and it is a new time, there is no going back. I’m at the end of my sanity. I’ve been reading non-stop, and unfortunately begging and pleading with her (more of an escalated continuation of it) which she ignores. She rarely texts me back and tells me she wants me to find someone else for companionship which she knows very well I will not do.
I love my wife more than I could ever explain. She is my heart and soul and I’ve been in mourning for months with complete devastation at this point. She has certainly changed as she goes to bar directly after work and picks kids up from daycare right at 8pm which is the closing time. When she doesn’t have the kids she stays at bar until closing. I think she has become an alcoholic and the man she is with now is with her at the bar every night.
Is there anything I can do that doesn’t involve giving up on a hope and dream of reconciling with the woman I love? I’m a good man, she’s told me she appreciates my heart and that I’m a good man and father and we had a wonderful life. I’m just at a loss. I’ve been in denial for months and beyond my counselor I don’t have anyone to talk with about this. Our friends were all our married friends we had developed. She now has a new life with new friends, all single, and all from the bar. I don’t know how to fix this or if I have any chance of making her want me back. She absolutely knows how much I love her but says she will not try and doesn’t want to get back together. I have a gentle heart and never physically or verbally abused her but I see how I was controlling and fearful and pushed her away.
Please give me some ideas as frankly I’m tired of crying all the time and I feel hopeless.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Oh Vlubber I'm so sorry. I wish I had wonderful hopeful things to say to you. This is actually my first post on this forum and I've been skimming through the posts here and I just feel so bad for you. I wanted to say that I've had problems with my marriage for a long time and we have separated twice. The first time he walked out and I felt just like you do. I cried and cried and thought I would die. I did as you describe, called him constantly crying and begging him to come home. After a few weeks, I quit calling and he began to make some efforts at reconciliation. In time, and just when I felt stronger and was starting to get my life back, he did come back but it was never the same. My point is it is NOT the end for YOU. It might be the end of the relationship, who knows, but your life will go on. There's a thread on here which lists 37 (or is it 27?) steps. Please follow those. If there's a chance for reconciliation it will only happen if you follow those steps. I know because even though I didn't know about divorce busters back then, those where the things I started doing and it was only when I started doing those things that he came back.
Please take care of yourself, try to eat a little every day and get a bottle of Tylenol PM for sleep at night. You need your rest. All is not lost, you are not alone, there are many like you out in this world.
Me: 56 H: 60 M: 32 yrs Not separated, I am seriously thinking of leaving Sons: 3, all grown
vdubber -- first of all, if she is picking up your kids after going to the bar, you have to realize that she might be endangering your kids. Also, having an overnight male guest while your kids are there with her is a big no-no. The courts would agree on both counts. Want her respect? Quit begging and start standing up for yourself. Consult a lawyer. Then tip off a police officer that she might be driving drunk to pick up kids on a certain day/time. This sounds cruel, but you HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS. PLEASE. That is more important than anything else. More important than saving your marriage, I promise you. Taking legal steps is likely the only thing that will wake her up at this point. But do you really want to be with someone who would do this to you? You may not be able to answer that now , but I promise that in time you will be able to ask yourself this and you will feel differently than you do now.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
vdubber -- first of all, if she is picking up your kids after going to the bar, you have to realize that she might be endangering your kids. Also, having an overnight male guest while your kids are there with her is a big no-no. The courts would agree on both counts. Want her respect? Quit begging and start standing up for yourself. Consult a lawyer. Then tip off a police officer that she might be driving drunk to pick up kids on a certain day/time. This sounds cruel, but you HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS. PLEASE. That is more important than anything else. More important than saving your marriage, I promise you. Taking legal steps is likely the only thing that will wake her up at this point. But do you really want to be with someone who would do this to you? You may not be able to answer that now , but I promise that in time you will be able to ask yourself this and you will feel differently than you do now.
Thank you iffy. I just found this site yesterday and i did look at the 37 steps and can admit there are several i am not and have not been doing. I'm not good with change and wish I could just get angry and let go. I will keep reading, learning and trying to follow those steps, and listening and trying to follow the input and guidance of those of you that have been through similar situations.
I appreciate your input.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Thank you Ahoy and Starsky. I feel ashamed that i had not even considered this and honestly have mixed feelings as I don't want her to know it's me that tipped anyone off but I do want to ensure my kids are safe. I will call and see what can be done in this regard. I have not contacted a lawyer at all yet for fear that it signaled the end which is not what I want but I will see if I can consult with one to discuss this issue of her having someone stay the night when kids are there.
This input is what I need and frankly at the same time very hard for me to hear. I appreciate it.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
vdubber It is very hard to detach when you love someone so much you are willing to look past their flaws and see something there even if it's to your own detriment. Love is blind as they say.
Don't be ashamed you never thought she might endanger the kids, you've been hurting so much you probably couldn't think of anything logically. Just be thankful that you have opened your eyes now and are going to take the steps necessary to keep the kids safe. Put the kids first, and her second.
Have you thought about Al-Anon meetings? I went to AA meetings for children of alcoholics when my H left me and I was so full of pain. It helped me a lot. Maybe you should try a few meetings and see if they help? There's different ones. Some for alcoholics and some for family of alcoholics. Oh and there's a book out there that helped me so much -
Peace to you Vdubber.
Last edited by Cristy; 01/29/1510:11 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors, websites or forums
Me: 56 H: 60 M: 32 yrs Not separated, I am seriously thinking of leaving Sons: 3, all grown
Thank you iffy. I'm not sure even how to detach but I know it's a necessary step for me and for any change of having a R in the future with W. I know I'm blind and know I need to GAL but it seems so daunting and opposite of what I'm physically and emotionally capable of at this point. I'm hoping that continued reading of the input and other stories on this forum with help motivate me to take steps for myself. I didn't text W this morning or today so far and going to try to get through the night without telling her Goodnight which I've done every night since the S. I've started a journal about a week ago and write down my thoughts and feelings every night as well as I pray for strenth and guidance throughout the day, and for God to look after her and give her the strength and guidance she needs for her, hoping she will open her heart to faith.
Thank you....
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
I agree with the above posters. You need to get legal advice to protect your kids. Plus your wife will begin to see there are consequences for her choices.
I have been married twice. I left my first husband after 11 yrs and four kids. We too had been high school sweethearts. For me the things I was willing to tolerate when I was twenty I was not willing to tolerate at 30. I had tried to get him to work on his anger issues three yrs before we split. This went on deaf ears. I warned him that one day I would have had enough. He didn't believe me. When that day came he begged, and pleaded. He did everything that this site tells you not to do. All it did was push me further and further away.
Your wife may be trying to recapture a youth that she never experinced as a single person. She's may be trying to find herself. Unfortunately she's forgetting that being a Mother is not a job you can put on hold. She may need a professional to set her straight. She may have an addiction to Alcohol.
In time she may miss her old life. This is a journey she needs to travel. All you can do is protect yourself and your family. Don't beg, don't plead. Don't try and control her choices. Focus on you. Get help from an IC if you can. Get to know you. Try and keep busy. Plan fun things. Let her see the strong, positive healthy you. She will notice.
You will hear this is a marathon not a an easy road. DB is for you. Who knows what the future holds. Like the saying goes...If you love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours.....if it doesn't it never was. Some people are in our life for a reason, a season or a life time. Keep your chin up and keep posting
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I have not contacted a lawyer at all yet for fear that it signaled the end which is not what I want
vdub, right now your biggest enemy is fear. Like they say, knowledge is power. Power to overcome fear.
KNOW what you rights are to combat this cr@p W is throwing at you regarding the kids by talking to an L.
KNOW what the D process is by talking to an L. I promise it will be less scary. Just because you meet with an L does not signal the end.
KNOW how to handle this sitch by getting DB/DR ASAP. There is info in there that will help you. And read other sitches and post here. We are all your fans. We want you to be a better vdub however this turns out.
KNOW that W is no longer the person you married.
KNOW that your life will go on no matter how this stich turns out. And you have a very important role in 4 people's lives. That of Dad. Nothing and no one can take that from you.
Sorry to be direct, but you have an immediate respondibilty to little ones to make sure their welfare is safe. After that, you have a long road ahead. It can't be ruled by fear.
