Sadie - Hot and Cold

[Sadie13]

Hi everyone…I’m not exactly new to the forums, I’ve been reading this since my life went into a tailspin almost three years ago. I bought and read both DB and DR at the end of 2012, and have flipped through them since, but I have not taken this as seriously as I could have and now, my H is finally preparing paperwork for the divorce he has threatened for so long. I can’t do this alone anymore, I hope you all will be as kind as I’ve seen you to be to others going through this.

I am 28, my H is 36. We have been married for 8.5 years. I met him soon after he moved to the USA (he is from a very different culture). We were crazy about each other. When he asked me to marry him after 9 months I didn’t even hesitate. He was my first boyfriend, first love, first everything. He was always very sweet and attentive to me, and very driven in life, and I loved those things about him.

1 year into our marriage, I was attending college in a nearby state (5 hours from our residence). He drove up to visit me twice, then said he was too busy to come anymore. I didn’t have a car and so had to beg rides from friends going that direction. I eventually ended up buying a cheap car and making the drive myself every weekend. I felt like I wasn’t important to him because of this.

1.5 years in, we both got very, very sick, H worse than me. He seemed to blame me for giving it to him, because our marriage seemed to never be the same after that. He said, specifically, that he didn’t feel the same toward me.

3 years in. We always had open access to each other’s accounts, phones, etc. I was using his phone for something and noticed that he had two recent conversation with two of his exes - but the messages had been deleted. When I asked, he said he deleted the messages because he didn’t want me to get mad. I asked him then if he wanted in or out of our marriage. He said out. Then did nothing about it.

4 years in. H appears to start having a MLC. He is from a wealthy background, and was used to not having to work, being taken care of by his mother, being the favored child. He was used to having it easy, and when it wasn’t he would quit and try something else. At this point his career is not going the way he expects, his (our) finances are a mess, he has left me for several month-long periods to go visit his family (and will in future years - I’ve spent 4 total Christmases alone because he needed to “relax.”) I try to gently help him reach his goals, but it doesn’t work and nothing seems to make him happy. He starts to worry about losing his hair.

5 years in. H’s dream is to own a house. He can’t make it happen. I step in and figure out a way. It happens. H refuses to put me on the title or mortgage because “he’s the one that will be paying for the house” and not me. This hurts me terribly but what can I do?

6 years. H starts to pull away from me, hard. I don’t take it well. I get depressed. I try to get his attention. When it doesn’t work, I am ashamed to admit this, I looked outside of my marriage. I had an affair that last 2 months. H found out just before I ended things with the OM, I cried, he threatened to throw me out, but didn’t.

7 years. I do all the wrong things because I’m young and stupid and never had a relationship before being married. I cry, plead, beg, chase, etc…

8 years in. H has threatened a D for 2 years now, once a month almost like clockwork. I don’t know why, but it’s always the last week of the month that his mood goes to hell. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. (Not concurrent with my mood/female cycles though). We have more good days than bad. Fighting has dwindled to 3 or 4 big ones for the whole year. When he says the D word, I don’t really believe him anymore. I keep trying to figure out what I can do to make it better. He says he can never forget what I did.

May 2014. We have a planned 21 day trip together. I can’t go last minute because of some issues. H decided to go anyway with a (married) male friend of his. Come to find out, said married friend is a serial cheater, and is encouraging my H to “have some fun.” They quickly bond with a group of youngish (early twenties) girls, and spend most of the trip in a group. I don’t believe H did anything physical, but there is evidence of an emotional attachment to one particular girl. Later, he admits to wanting her, but she refused him.

Oct. 2014. I find out H has hired a lawyer to prepare the paperwork. I cried and beg him to wait, let’s enjoy Christmas. He says yes to this request without even hesitating.

Jan. 16 I say something seemingly neutral about lunch, he storms out of the house without a word. He had been fine 30 minutes prior. I find out later he drove to the lawyer’s but they were already closed.

A few days ago. H invited some houseguests, I was cleaning up in preparation. He grabs something he has to return and says he is going to take care of it. Then he goes outside to make a phone call. I feel like something is off, so I follow him outside. He hangs up the phone call as soon as I get close enough to hear. On a hunch, I ask if I can go with him to the store. He gets angry, then admits he is going to the lawyer to get the papers done. I panic, and refuse to let him leave the house without me. I tell him I don’t want this, but I’ll read the papers if he will not surprise me with this. I don’t want to get served. I don’t promise to sign. He goes back inside the house. I sit with him until after the law office has closed, letting him talk, then went to the bedroom to be alone, because I was angry. Later on in the evening he saw something he liked on the tv and he told me, and we laughed about it together.

Over the course the marriage, he has had some of what I consider to be emotional affairs. I am relatively sure he is still having them now, that he needs the attention to feel validated. He came back from a trip once with a new condom in his pocket. He said he just wanted to feel like he was young and cool again.

We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed. H says he wants me to stay living here just like nothing has changed after the D. I would want to stay just to be in his life…but I know that’s probably the worst thing I could do for myself. I keep telling him I will have to leave. This seems to make him pause for a moment - then he will always say that it’s not his problem. I handle 90% of our lives so it could be just the fact that he will lose his maid, cook, sex partner, secretary, and bank all in one go.

Our sex life has always been really great, and oddly enough was never really affected by any of this. He has said on several occasions that there will be no more sex, but he always breaks that rule after about a week. He did go about a year without kissing me on the lips. He initiated ML last night, one day after the fight about him going to the lawyer.

He has said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me at all, isn’t sure if he ever did love me, says I’m not worth it, etc. Everything I do or suggest we try is “too late.” He gets angry when I “dress up” to go out with him because he thinks that I think I’m the “perfect wife” and of course I’m not (nor have I ever claimed to be). His behaviors have been so contradictory it makes my head spin.

I have been to IC. He refused to go. I really want to go to Retrouvaille. He paused to think when I mentioned it was church-based and practically free. He then said it was too late. I said I wanted to make sure we at least tried everything. He said no, he wouldn’t go.

I have one close friend, but she doesn’t live anywhere nearby. I call/text her when I need to vent. I don’t have any local friends.

We don’t have regular jobs/lives. No kids. I work from home, he doesn’t work at all. We spend a lot of time together, we always have. I love it. I do try to give him his breathing space. I’m not very good at it. I need touches and closeness to feel loved. Lack of affection kills me. Some mornings when he heads out to run an errand and I am still sleeping, he will come and kiss my forehead goodbye without my asking. But his moods seem to flip instantly. It’s almost like he catches himself starting to like me again, but he doesn’t want to. And then he punishes both of us.

Pretty much, I am the cause of everything wrong in his life, and once he is not married to me anymore then he can have a life again. And yet he doesn’t want me to leave.

And I can’t imagine my life without him.

More info to come…