S, glad you spoke with someone. Nothing wrong with going to see a few of them. You will learn something from each one.
That sounds good that they want to be solution based. But what if your h changes how he said he wanted to act? Will they be a strong team for you if you were to choose them.
Please do not tell your h you have sought legal advice. I know that might seem dishonest to you, but, it is crucial at this time. You are just fact gathering right now.
You know, I dont have a lot of people in my life either. For several reasons. But you only need one or two, S, and you have that.
Ok, I have two back-to-back appointments tomorrow with attorneys.
Today is paperwork gathering day. Tax returns (this is something he never even shows me, I'm not sure why but tax documents are secretive with him so I'm not even sure how to get a hold of them), retirement statements, bank statements, house info.
I feel like the sound of impending divorce is the sound of industrial strength Velcro ripping apart. Unsticking ourselves from each other while desperately holding onto your side.
I woke up in a sweaty panic. I may need to talk to my doc about anxiety meds. I was up at 4 am and could not turn my brain off from the panic of money and moving and getting a job and, and, and.
I know, I know, I can hear all of you saying to stop eating the elephant and to slow down and not live so far into the future but I'm realizing that security and stability are HUGELY important to me and crucial to lowering my anxiety levels and panic.
Even once I talk to these attys and get a feel for financial calculations I worry that stbx's forgetful brain will forget to write the check (he's notorious for forgetting things like this for WEEKS!!) and I don't want to have to nag him. I'm afraid of him saying things like, "you don't really need that much money and it's so hard on me to pay it out, blah, blah, blah..."
uR, you're right about finding a strong team who will fight for me should stbx decides to fight hard. And frankly, I see him doing just that, spurred on by his parents. I will definitely find out the attorneys "bull-dog" level.
My questions list is short. I need help there if you're able.
Here they are in no particular order:
1. What is your proposed strategy for my case?
2. Timeline?
3. How many people will be on my case and will any one of them be available when I need them?
4. How will you charge me? What is the fee schedule?
5. Other than atty costs, what other costs are there and what are they estimated to be?
6. How well acquainted are you with the judges in the area and if my case goes to mediation, how well acquainted are you with the retired judges in the area?
7. How do you handle cases where the opposing party is angry, feisty and often never wrong?
8. What will the tax effect be in my case.
9. Custody - most fair for parents but least bouncing around of Emma
What else?????
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
He wants to sit down and talk with me about heading toward D. If I am to go to just listen, agree to nothing and take away information to think about...
then it's not a NEW conversation. I know where he stands. He, however, does not know where I stand. Do I tell him? I have NO IDEA how to handle myself. If I'm going to just listen the conversation will be 5 minutes long.
STBX: So, hey, still want a divorce. It's best. Me: I hear what you're saying. STBX: So, shall I file? Me: I need sometime to think all this over.
What? What's the point of meeting at all? I think my brain is clouded with severe amounts of adrenaline. Help me work this out here.
Today is paperwork gathering day. Tax returns (this is something he never even shows me, I'm not sure why but tax documents are secretive with him so I'm not even sure how to get a hold of them), retirement statements, bank statements, house info.
Most likely you won't be able to get them in time for your meeting - but you can get copies of tax returns directly from the IRS. Google this (I would provide the link - but I think it might be against board rules). You night be able to get an electronic copy automatically - but most likely you will have to fill out the form and mail it off. Start this right away. Being secretive about tax returns is troubling. If he used a tax preparer you should be able to get a copy directly from them.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Even once I talk to these attys and get a feel for financial calculations I worry that stbx's forgetful brain will forget to write the check (he's notorious for forgetting things like this for WEEKS!!) and I don't want to have to nag him. I'm afraid of him saying things like, "you don't really need that much money and it's so hard on me to pay it out, blah, blah, blah..."
In California you can set it up so that the local county automatically deducts from his account every month and deposits it into yours. If you are worried about this - you can insist on it (I'm letting STBX give me a check every month)
Originally Posted By: Ss06
uR, you're right about finding a strong team who will fight for me should stbx decides to fight hard. And frankly, I see him doing just that, spurred on by his parents. I will definitely find out the attorneys "bull-dog" level.
It might work out this way - but it might not. Your H might just want to get it done and over with. Prepare for the worst but don't worry too much yet
Originally Posted By: Ss06
My questions list is short. I need help there if you're able.
I'll let uR respond - but I would also ask the atty about the job you are working and if it helps or harms you.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
He wants to sit down and talk with me about heading toward D. If I am to go to just listen, agree to nothing and take away information to think about...
then it's not a NEW conversation. I know where he stands. He, however, does not know where I stand. Do I tell him? I have NO IDEA how to handle myself. If I'm going to just listen the conversation will be 5 minutes long.
STBX: So, hey, still want a divorce. It's best. Me: I hear what you're saying. STBX: So, shall I file? Me: I need sometime to think all this over.
What? What's the point of meeting at all? I think my brain is clouded with severe amounts of adrenaline. Help me work this out here.
Ss - fight your fear on this one. You might actually find it reassuring- but it would be very helpful to get an idea of where he is at. He might give you some tidbits about custody or what he's thinking about the house etc. AS long as you just listen - you can't do any harm and you might get something helpful out of it.
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
Ask the attorney how to handle this.
I freaked out like this too, last year. Seeing the attorney -- even before I was ready to do anything -- helped ENORMOUSLY. You'll feel better tomorrow night, I guarantee it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hey S, you can ask the attorney about sitting down with your h. See what he says. Or you can decide to face that fear with a new mindset. Like:
H: Still want a divorce S: Ok. I hear that. It isnt what I want(or wanted) but I know we need to move forward. H: (looks at you incredulously) S: So, we need to decide how we are going to approach this. I would like to do it in a way that allows us to be proactive and fair. H: (still looking at you with surprise) Um, ok then. S: What were you thinking in terms of how you want to approach it on your end?
Well, you get the picture. LOL!
Anyway, see what the lawyer says about it. If you do meet him, dont give away anything you dont have to.
Questions about your job are good.
Also, what about retirement funds? Medical? Cars alimony - how long? child support? debt? splitting of assests? decisions about childcare/child's education/visitation/custody college fund for daughter how will incedentals/extras for daughter be split? (Cant remember if you are in your own home) Need to ask about that if you are...do you have to sell? life insurance You can have the support garnished which I think would be a good choice for you.
I will think about it some more and come back to write them if I think of anything else.
You may want to speak with your doc about some meds to get you through if you feel you really need them. I took them when it got to be too much and I am glad I did. It was a hard decision, but I dont regret it. Personal decision, though.
damn, just typed a whole thing and it went into the ether... hate that.
so I gathered boat loads of docs. I was able to put my hands on a lot of information... just not the tax returns which are probably in stbx's trunk (that's where he "stores" important documents and by "stores" i means throws in on top of shoes, coloring books for D and empty coffee cups). If I contact the accountant for copies, stbx will find out so I'm holding off on that specific document for a second. I think i have enough information with account balances and activities since BD and S.
Breathing.
I am booking a flight to Phoenix in April for my Annual Photography Retreat which is just code for 16 women I've known for years from all over the country getting together for a weekend. It's awesome. Two of the ladies I'm booking flights with know about my sitch and have been pretty supportive. One lives in TN and the other east of San Diego so it's not like we see each other that often. I am so looking forward to that weekend. It really can't come soon enough.
But first... attorneys and chats with stbx. :sigh:
I sent an email to stbx about possible visitation schedule revisions because he stated that he'd like to see D more than just on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He seemed appreciative of my suggestions and seemed amenable. He also discussed being flexible if the other parent needed a whole weekend or whatever... all in all, not bad.
I also stated that I knew he wanted to discuss our sitch and asked how he'd like to go about that.
He said, "As far as discussing our situation, I get a strong vibe you don't want to talk to me in person, and I know you're better when you can form your words in your own time. So I don't mind writing you another separate email if you prefer. Let me know."
I think I'd rather talk in person rather than read a whole unending diatribe.
