New... hurt, confused, want to walk away...

[iffy]

Hi I'm new here, gonna post my story and hope I get a little insight...

Been married 32 years, most of them rocky. Have always been the pursuer, the one trying to make things work, and he's always been distant, the more I tried the more he went into his shell. I don't know whether it is because he just doesn't feel it for me that deeply or whether it is that he cannot feel it for ANYONE that deeply. He seems devoid of any emotion except anger. That he expresses very well.

We met 34 years ago and feel deeply in love, moved in together almost immediately and got married two years later. He used to be different then, very communicative and fun to be with. After we got married and had our first child, he changed.

For the first 20 years, I was enthralled by him, he is ex-military, I loved his strength and his ability to handle anything that came his way. He was a good provider. He finished college and we raised three sons together, had a nice home, etc. Even though he was always somewhat cold and distant with me, he was a good dad and I was happy to settle for that because our life was so enriching in other ways.

So... infidelity reared its ugly head in the 20th year of our marriage in the form of a woman from his job. I was devastated. He moved out to "find himself" for four months. He returned just when I felt I might be able to move on with just me and the kids. There was another split up two years later when I found some email to a woman on the women seeking men area of Craigslist. It lasted only a week though. It took me a long time to forgive. I was evil and angry for a long time. I'm sorry about that, but it hurt. I suppose I drove him even farther away but I felt so disrespected.

So now here we are, retired young by todays standards, kids all grown and on their own, and we are completely polarized. Without the kids to glue us together, it seems we have nothing in common. He watches television for hours. Has almost no conversation with me. Never calls or texts and hardly answers the phone when I do. It's like he can't be bothered with me. We fight a lot and almost every time he will ask me for a divorce. This has been going on for two years now.

I am tired. I am hurt. I feel invisible, disrespected and abandoned. But I'm also very frightened to be out on my own after all these years. We are in counseling, just started, but I don't feel it, you know. I just feel sort of dead inside. Like I'm done trying. I feel like I'm crying inside actually but it doesn't come out anymore. Then sometimes I feel like I can't leave because I do still love this man. Don't know how to live without him. He has been with me half my life.

I no longer pursue him. I don't want sex with him very often at all anymore - it doesn't feel real to me. I don't say much to him at all and vice versa. I feel like he never wanted me really. Like it must have been all lip service. Yet just last night he starts talking about the house he wants to build with me like he thinks nothing is wrong. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me. I don't care about that. I am not in love with him either but I don't think you've got to be "in love" after all these years. Isn't just "love" and devotion enough?

I'm really mixed up. Anyway, leaving is looking real good to me.