I got another question that is bugging me that I disnt talk to my DB coach about:
(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.
DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do? I'm actually not sure how to answer this.
Pardon the pun, but this is a "complex" topic. On the one hand, if you are gaining valuable intel from her NOT knowing that you know, I wouldn't be in a hurry to confront her, or else she'll drive it all underground and you'll lose your source of intel.
On the other hand, if you DO confront her, she now KNOWS THAT YOU KNOW, and with that comes great responsibility to act in a strong, resolved manner, lest she lose respect for you. I happen to nearly always be in favor of confronting with a clear "I will NOT live in an open marriage" and a "I know all about you and _______, and it needs to stop, this is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family," but once you do that it forever changes the dynamic of what you do from that point forward.
If you do confront, I would do it when she lies to your face, by cutting her off, putting your hand up and looking her in the eye and saying "Please stop it -- we BOTH know you're lying to me right now. I know all about you and ______, and what you've been planning, and while I can't control you I certainly am not going to stand here and listen to you lie right to my face."
It's a tough call. But unless I was continuing to gain valuable, NEW intel by her NOT knowing that I knew, I would generally want to confront her and at least stop the lying, as it will EAT at your self-esteem over time.
