Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[edz]

Oh lordy there are days when this all seems waaay too confusing.

W emailed me to say sorry she'd only just picked up my email (from tuesday morning) and she didnt know what she was up to this weekend and had no plans.

As a reminder I was asking about s visiting not pursuing her, she was supposed to be seeing her friend this weekend so may have changed the length of s's stay, unfortunately for reasons of her friends which I wont go into but are sad they cancelled this weekend.

Replied saying I'd seen (the reason) on facebook and it was very sad, mentioned no problem normal weekend it was then, let me know if s was going to his Friday card event or would rather have a Saturday over (to make sure no inference of multi night stays), restated last week was a lot of fun to have s for so long and I really enjoyed lunch/dinner on Sunday but I wont push her for longer stays until she's ready and thinks s is ok (although its more the former than the latter IMHO).

No hint of "the thing" being mentioned, picked up from her a feeling that she thinks I've distanced her (which is ironic), this isn't mind reading just her BL and surprised looks when I don't push to come in when dropping things off or chase her up.

Probably connected to my stopping sending so many emails / texts etc (e.g. I'm no longer making the mistake of pursuing and practising my detatchment or at least trying to).

Tried to balance my normal STFU with a reminder she's welcome to pop by for coffee whether she has s in tow or not and that I'm still around to talk to. Want her to realise we're not at co-parenting only yet (although - and I didnt say this in the email which was rather shorter than this post - we may be moving that way to preserve my detachment and protect myself emotionally) but I also didn't want to fall into pursuit, its a tricky balance and really I just want her to know she can still talk to me openly which seems obvious but isnt.

Anyway left it warm open and friendly, not a huge waffling email, not one of my 'specials' that gets me hit with the STFU 2x4, zero about reconciling or m mentioned, no requests for me to see her or plan anything together just to let me know on the weekend pick up time and I hope s is feeling less uncertain nowadays.

Finished with saying lots of work on today and I'm sure they have a packed itinerary and I'll see them at the weekend.

She replied with a link to an event that may interest s which I'll look into tonight but fear may be booked out. Nice that she responded on something for he and I to do together though.

May just be a coincidence I'm not raising any expectations on anything anymore including her becoming more relaxed on he and I being together longer (although her actions suggest she may be getting there).

I just wish she'd talk to me on "the thing", its rattling me because it points in a direction that means should I go, heal and move on, or do I hang on because I do still love her.

I suppose I just don't want to be someone who just never thinks about taking another chance to be happy waiting for someone who becomes unattainable. Equally through all the issues we had, through the loneliness and lack of emotion she had for me over the last few years, I still hold on to hope.

Hmmm heavy thoughts today.

Let's see if coffee lightens me at all

Anyway thanks for reading my waffling guys.