Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[vdubber]

So I just don’t know quite where to start but I have been reading books on separation and reconciliation and scouring the internet for anything and everything that might help me understand or give me guidance. I was so pleased to find this site and forum as I’m so very desperate for help and do not want to give up on my marriage.

A little bit about me: I am 44, W is 45. We met at 16, married at 18 (high school sweethearts). D (22) lives on her own, S (18), and after fostering for a couple years we adopted S (9) and D (7) about 3 ½ years ago.

My current situation: M for 26 years, we are separated and have been for over a year. S (18) came to live with me 6 months ago. S (9) and D (7) spend every other week with me. I made the mistake of moving out which I wish I hadn’t as I know it’s only contributed to where we are at now. My W had began changing about 3 years ago and we went through a couple of series of inappropriate texting and pictures with other people. She was changing and pushing for her independence and it frightened me as we had always been so close, as one. I know now that being individuals is healthy and needed in a relationship but at the time I was terrified and over-controlling as she had changed her appearance, her dress, and I felt she was being inappropriate on FaceBook with people she didn’t even know. By the way, I think FB is a marriage killer…

We moved 2 ½ years ago from a large house with land to a small house in the downtown area. This is something she wanted to do as we were financially strapped in the larger home and it took so much of our time. She started going to the local bar which was 4 blocks away regularly. This made me very uncomfortable and we argued about it often. She drank often (which was very unlike her), she no longer believed in God (which she had been the one to bring me to God early in our relationship), and she even got a DUI about 2 years ago. Just over a year ago I left as I was at my wits end and didn’t know what to do. I had somehow convinced myself that she would wake up and want me back…wrong.

About 6 months ago she told me she ILYB, not like a wife or lover. For this past 18 months she frequented the bar increasing to being daily and hours on end. Those became her close friends, or as she called them her family. Prior to moving out I actually found her in an apartment of a man from the bar and she admitted that they had slept together a few months previously. I was devastated. She quit seeing him for a while but is friends with him now but is not with him. She didn’t want me going to the bar, I wasn’t welcome. I have been trying for the past year to convince her to try. We did a couple counseling sessions this past summer which ended with her telling the counselor she didn’t want to be married and she quit going. She liked being independent and just wanted to be alone. I have continued individual counseling since.

Just before the xmas holiday she said she didn’t want to try but she was tired of trying to make me give up and would try. This was short lived as after the holiday she said she didn’t want to try. She told me she didn’t like anyone and didn’t want to. 2 weeks ago I texted her saying I could tell she would not allow herself to connect to me and asked her if she had emotionally connected with someone else. She said yes and that she was sorry. I was and am devastated. As soon as she told me that all of a sudden I would see a truck parked outside of her house. I guess this was the moment she was waiting for me to know and since then this truck is at her house at night and there in the morning as well when she doesn’t have the kids. On the weeks she has the kids his truck is there after kids go to bed so he is staying over while my kids are there which is so very painful to me. This past weekend the kids told me they watched a movie with W and her guy friend. Then the next evening his truck was at her house and it was hours before the kids bedtime so she has him around them in the house.

She admitted she likes this man and says our time is over and it is a new time, there is no going back. I’m at the end of my sanity. I’ve been reading non-stop, and unfortunately begging and pleading with her (more of an escalated continuation of it) which she ignores. She rarely texts me back and tells me she wants me to find someone else for companionship which she knows very well I will not do.

I love my wife more than I could ever explain. She is my heart and soul and I’ve been in mourning for months with complete devastation at this point. She has certainly changed as she goes to bar directly after work and picks kids up from daycare right at 8pm which is the closing time. When she doesn’t have the kids she stays at bar until closing. I think she has become an alcoholic and the man she is with now is with her at the bar every night.

Is there anything I can do that doesn’t involve giving up on a hope and dream of reconciling with the woman I love? I’m a good man, she’s told me she appreciates my heart and that I’m a good man and father and we had a wonderful life. I’m just at a loss. I’ve been in denial for months and beyond my counselor I don’t have anyone to talk with about this. Our friends were all our married friends we had developed. She now has a new life with new friends, all single, and all from the bar. I don’t know how to fix this or if I have any chance of making her want me back. She absolutely knows how much I love her but says she will not try and doesn’t want to get back together. I have a gentle heart and never physically or verbally abused her but I see how I was controlling and fearful and pushed her away.

Please give me some ideas as frankly I’m tired of crying all the time and I feel hopeless.