You guys. I'm tired of doing this alone. I'm tired of not getting enough big warm hugs. Of going to bed alone and waking up alone. Of sharing a car and a mortgage and bank accounts but not love and not a life with the man I married.
Karma, ganb8te, rppfl, T0, Ss, stacey: thanks for stopping by and for the words of support. Nothing like a little bit of cyclical hormonal disruption, on top of a sinus infection, to make a girl weepy and lonely. Today's better.
The massage idea was brilliant. I need something like that! Thanks.
It's been trickier to stay detached amidst his father's health crisis, and my own recent sickness. It's been an emotional time.
Hang in there, Claire. Illness can sap your emotional strength, too, so do what you need to take care of you.
Feel better.
The going to sleep alone and waking up alone and the lack of big squeezy hugs... Yeah. I'm so painfully hug deprived it's not even funny. Virtual ones used to work ok... But now? Maybe my Starbucks barista will hug me?
You guys. I'm tired of doing this alone. I'm tired of not getting enough big warm hugs. Of going to bed alone and waking up alone. Of sharing a car and a mortgage and bank accounts but not love and not a life with the man I married.
Feeling funky right now I guess. Tomorrow is another day.
(((())))
I'm right there with you Claire, and my H is living with me....sigh.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I feel like I shouldn't really complain. My WAH (STBX?) is generally "nice" to me, (or at the very least, he's generally neutral, and sometimes nice), he generally holds up his end of the parenting arrangement and tries his best to be a great dad, he hasn't pushed me on any financial stuff.
I know a lot of you guys have it so much worse. I know I am fortunate.
And, in some ways, it makes it even more incomprehensible. The fact that we can get along and be nice and flexible and caring... in some ways makes it harder.
I want to call him out on that. Does he realize that our friends-- the ones who we thought had such a great friendships and loving marriage-- sometimes don't sleep in the same bed and are really struggling with their R? But they would never ever consider D. Does he even realize what his own friends struggle with and work through?
I don't want to put all this energy into figuring out parenting schedule logistics. I don't want to be his adversary, but this friendliness also feels awful. Does that make any sense? Cuz this whole situation makes no f'ing sense to me.
Don't mind me. It's just the hormones. Back to our regularly scheduled detachment and rational thinking in a few days.
Hormones don't help with sleep. My ex decided to go into his MLC as I was turning 50 and menopause was hitting me. I get hot flashes at night every night that wake me up out of my sleep. I then toss and turn the rest of the night. Ugh!
I booked a massage last week and booked other one for two weeks after. It is amazing how much of a difference touch makes. I was feeling lonely too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I think this thread is just about kicked. hoping the next few days get me out of this funk.
I'm wondering if part of why I am feeling so awful lately (in addition to winter, being sick, my D being sick, falling behind at work because we've been sick)... is that I have had too much interaction with WAH lately. The stuff with his dad (in a coma, unlikely to recover) has hit me hard emotionally. And it's set me back a bit as far as detachment goes.
H wrote to me about how he's feeling so drained, no time for himself except for a couple of dinners with friends because "the thought of sitting home by myself after visiting my father in the hospital is not appealing to me".
I don't know how to react to that. Um, he chose this life. He fired me as his wife.
I realize I need to pull way back. And I'm thinking hard about sharing some feelings with him. I know it won't have any affect. But it doesn't matter. I have no hope left. If he can live through this crisis with his dad, seeing how his parents divorce still affects things 30+ years later, and that doesn't make any difference to him, he is not at all someone I want or need in my life beyond what is necessary as far as co-parenting and financial obligation.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge and I need to find my footing.
I'm giving myself a few more days--if I still feel like this after some decent sleep and after I have recovered from illness, I will send my hail mary and then be done. I will begin moving forward with a D, not just waiting for him. I will move his remaining things into the basement and tell him they are there if he wants them and will be removed by xx date. I will put all wedding or other relationship items in a box in the basement. I need to move forward.
I deserve better. I want better. I've been so inspired by the strength I see in the women on these boards-- Maybell, Ss, rppfl-- I am hoping to feel as strong as you soon.
