I am such a dummy. I get so side-tracked! I just posted this above, but had forgotten where I was headed with it...
Quote:
What I know is this..
Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.
Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)
Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.
He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.
Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.
OK, since all of this has happened (it's been a little over 3 weeks since baby was born and a little over 2 months since he reached out to me expressing regret, then left hww), he has taken some major steps back.
He said he wished he hadn't told me all the stuff he had. He said he meant it, but he spoke too soon.
He also said that he is not even thinking about a r now- with anyone. *** I read this last night, that it was typical of MLCer at this point (whatever "stage" he is in) to not think at all of a r. I seemed to have misplaced this info... I will continue to look. But that is exactly what xh has expressed.
I know I misconstrued his actions and words as confusion as to which family he should be with (could be possible), which is why I asked him if he was thinking of going back. He said he couldn't say. To me, I was floored! I said, "but you painted a picture of unhappiness and misery. You said you were totally miserable there." He said, "I was." I said, "Then why don't you know?" He expressed that he does not know what he is doing and isn't thinking about that at all.
OK, NO Friggin pressure! Back off. And that's what I've done. (But is was my insecurities and rejection with nerve endings exposed.)
The info to me was helpful because, although he may be considering returning there, not returning here, whatever, it made it clear that it is possible that he truly can't even think of any of that at this point. Stepping back and looking at it from a more objective point of view has helped me realize this. I see all he is trying to process - while processing through mlc mind - and I can step away to let that process happen.
