Mighty

[Mighty]

OK, so I was doing a little reading last night. I know my focus is me now. I have an amazing support group here to help keep me focused on that.

Yet, I know there is so much documented information about the trend of mlc. What may happen, some things they go through, what may or may not be expected.

I haven't seen too much current information on the latter end of mlc in the more recent forums. I could be completely wrong...
However, there is lots of good stuff in the archives. I do need to update and read further along with the stages. I had read so much last year, and felt, not only that xh had checked off mlc behaviors, triggers, and stages as he was digging his way through the tunnel, but I hadn't gotten that far in my knowledge.

I think circumstances sent xh into.... well... I don't know... just... maybe put a damper on replay?? Reality check, perhaps?

So, when xh came flying back into my life in November, I was not prepared. That is an understatement. I was catapulted into a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, insanity... whatever... I hit it. It was unexpected. Everything I learned got away from me. My knowledge of mlc did not reach that far.

I don't want that to happen again. I know that it set me back. Big time. So I need to know. It will not be a distraction of my own goals and journey. It is to prepare myself for the unexpected. I know that things I learn may or may not happen, but I would hate to be thrown into another battlefield without proper armor and training.

What I did find last night was a thread which was pretty interesting. "The Final Stages... Withdrawal to acceptance"

OH- wait! I know I have said recently that the actions and behaviors of xh recently are quite reminiscent of the ones he showed while transitioning out of this r (and unfortunately into the dreaded one). Well, it so happens that it was actually around this time last year. It is weird to experience this again, the same behaviors right around the same time. It makes me uncomfortable. I am not sure what it means, or if it means anything. But, I just don't want it to last too long. I dreaded it last year and reliving it again is terrible. But, I am stronger and wiser. And, now I know I will be fine without him.

OK, back... rewind... thread I found.

Originally Posted By: Snodderly

Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins.
This comes from the TMAK reconnection thread and again explains what the LBS'er must do during this time.
This is all for a "normal" withdrawal and reconnection process.

I would think for most MLC'ers this would be the advice to follow by the LBS.
Part of the problem is that it is such a SLOW process that many LBS'ers become impatient and want to DO something to push the MLC'er through the tunnel. They will only come out when they are ready no sooner.

^^^ Yeah, about that. I don't think that I was really pressuring, per se... but I was trying to figure things out and wrap my head around what happened. Again... I was a mess.

HB wrote the 6 stages this is an excerpt from withdrawal stage


Originally Posted By: Heart Blessing from 6 stages

During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.

Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time

They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.

What cadet quoted is a contradiction of the instructions that HB originally wrote. See bold highlighted above. You only follow the contradiction when the MLC'er is STUCK in the tunnel during WITHDRAWAL STAGE.

If you do it at some other time when they are not stuck you risk driving them deeper into the tunnel.
This is why this is a difficult concept to grasp.

IB for you this is information to file away for possible future use, it is not something that you want to think about now.
You are reading up on advanced MLC class. Do not try this at home without parental supervision. LOL!

I hope that clears up what we are writing about. Just to further clariy. Upsides H is stuck in withdrawal and needs to be led home by the LBS'er just the way HB wrote in the original 6 stages. But the leading is a little bit different than everything else that we have learned. I guess it is part of basic DB'ing - "Do what works".

What I know is this..

Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.

Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)

Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.

He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.

Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.

These, my friends, are some of the factors which result in replay (and the trials of life combined)!

Me, and my own insecurities and craziness... I just need to step off. I need to know that whatever happens will happen. I will be OK. There is nothing I can do to change his process, other than make it worse.

I am also remembering the mindset which I had once I gained after bd. That if he wants to be in my life, he will find a way to make it happen. I often wonder if that's what I want. Or is it fear of rejection which sometimes drives me. My insecurities get the best of me, which have been my biggest downfall.

But I find confidence, now, thinking about these things. I can't stand what he did to me. I am not the one who needs to fix that. I need to fix me. But, I am not going to do THAT work for him. Not his mistakes. I have to forgive. I have to let that go. No matter what. I cannot walk around for the rest of my life carrying the weight of this damage. But I am worth the effort. I don't know that he has it in him. Maybe he doesn't want to. And that is OK. It would never work any other way. I just simply can't be the force to do all the work. I have lots to do. But, so does he.

I know I want to be happy. I want a healthy r. I want to be strong. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for things I can get/do myself. A relationship should be a compliment of each other, not an entitlement of what is deserved.

I will keep reading some of the older stuff. It is very helpful to me at this time. I will continue to post things here about it too. I feel it is helpful to my journey, and possibly, to someone else's too.