Hey GB, Karma, Gwen! Hope you guys are well. Thanks for sticking with me.
Job! That was good stuff! I have a sore wrist. I've been snapping away at it.
Things are OK. I can literally feel myself getting stronger and detaching at a much quicker pace. It is actually unbelievable (to me). I don't think I would want to reread where I have been as of late. Yikes! Not a good place. Definitely not one I ever care to return to.
I have been taking things in stride. Last night I went to d13's induction (with a gathering after). Xh and I sat together (people are definitely confused- join the club... I am not only a member... I'm also the president). Of course, d13's friends parents )who are friends with hww's family) were there. But, really none of it makes me sweat. No skin off my back. And, quite frankly, the last thing I care about is what anyone thinks or says about me. I mean... if they've got time to worry about my life, what's that say about theirs? It was fine. (No one really spoke to me until xh left. Oh well, whatever) (But I do kind of feel badly for xh. I'm sure he doesn't care, like I don't, but man... I guess people see what a mess he has made. That's a lot to live with. But he will get there...)
Now, here is one funny thing. Last year, right around this time, xh told me (during a conversation) he wouldn't care if I were with someone else. I asked, wouldn't that bother you? He said he didn't know. I said, really? He said, No, it wouldn't bother me. He had conviction in his voice (along with when he said lots of things that time period!).
Not long after that, one of d13's dad's had made a comment that I was pretty. It got back to xh. Not long after that, xh was grumbling stuff about the guy. Well, he was there last night. Xh called him a creep. I asked why. He said, well as soon as he found out you were separated, he was trying to creep and and was saying things things about you. I guess maybe it did bother him.
So, when I got home later, xh truck was gone. I didn't even look at first, and not intentionally. I wasn't even thinking about it. I got out of the car and unintentionally notice it wasn't there. I didn't even let it phase me. I was talking and laughing with d13, and I just carried on doing so while going into the house.
I did, however, have some moments during the induction. The guest speaker was a grad of the school district. She was a 2009 grad, so she was in hs with hww. She looked so young and beautiful. It made me feel very old and self conscious. But, I talked myself out of it. Then, watching d13, I just thought about how old she is getting... my baby. I wonder, sometimes, if I am starting to have my own MLC! I just started to feel some anxiety or something. Right before bd, and right after I found out I wasn't going to have more kids, I came to this acceptance. My life was bout kids for so long, and I love it and wanted it to continue. But, with the realization that my life was changing as my kids were getting older, I looked forward to what was to come. Xh and I finally getting to enjoy ourselves. We had kids so young, but now we could enjoy ourselves. We were secure, had $ in the bank, yadda.
So when I saw d13, and how grown up she is, I got this overwhelming saddness. This is it for me. A few more years with my kids. Xh has a long way to go. And doing it without me makes me sad. Then, thinking he will still be in kid mode, and me... I will be alone. ALONE! I got this incredible sense of being alone for the next part of my life. I started to tear up, right there, but I pulled myself together. I said (in my crazy, mixed-up head), SHUT UP, MIGHTY. SUCK IT UP! ENJOY NOW! So I did.
Today was better than yesterday. I can feel the gradual progression. I am aware, that it isn't a linear process. I will have setbacks and downfalls. But, I'm on the move. Wherever that is...
