That's really all I can do. She calls me out as being insincere when I do that. But I'm not going to be her effing cheerleader where he's concerned.
Caution! Can you see how that triggers your anger? And I agree that you did the smart thing by taking a time-out.
I do not blame you, nor am I suggesting you sooth her feelings over OM. Just recognize the triggers (like you did today), b/c when you go into one your temper outlets, that causes her to feel you are not sincere about the other things you tell her. She feels you take your temper fits out on her.
Again, I am not disagreeing, I'm just trying to get you to see how it looks to her. She doesn't like the withdrawal (I don't know if she realizes what she's experiencing.) She wants you to help her through this. As Starsky suggested, tell her you both are experiencing tough emotions...but today's feelings do not dictate the feelings of tomorrow.
She is a mess. One of you needs to stay calm. She is still operating out of emotions, so if both of do......it won't be good. You want to blow up every time she makes any reference to OM (which I understand......just saying) so if you continue that response, she will stop reaching out to you when she is hurting. She may find somebody else to comfort her. Somebody who is willing to listen.
When you calm down, maybe you can just tell her, "I don't want to see you in pain, and I am willing to do whatever I can....except discuss your affair partner".
When was the last time you took her out for something fun?
