Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

I know I have in a lot of ways. There are still things that I want to change.

What I haven't changed is getting excited and starting to apply pressure. When I looked back at some of the last attempts there were times I really enjoyed, but couldn't leave as just enjoyable moments.

I have an issue with feeling that if I am not actively working on something, then I am regressing. Not a good thing when trying to fix a R and NOT apply pressure.

I am also singularly task focused, not able to have too many things going on. I either work on me or the M, not both.

I told my W that I really enjoyed one night when after being out with her friends she called and asked if she could come over. We had a beer and slept in the same bed, me with my arm around her and her holding it. It felt so great and powerfully loving.

Her response put me into perspective very clearly. She said "yeah, but you couldn't be satisfied with that, you kept needing more."

She was right. When I look back that night felt so good, but I remember thinking that we are getting closer together and then thinking we could work on some piecing efforts. WRONG. I pushed to hard, but until I get yanked out of my mindset I don't realize it.

I need my focus to be on me, not the R.

W said we do better separated because I am not focused on fixing the R, but on just me. She is right. The trouble is that now it seems I am out of my second, third, or fourth chances.

I do need more to grow and change. I think she is right that I would not or can not change when we are together in the same house.