Let me be clear, if your L has advised this course of action and you have considered it coolly and carefully because it protects you from H and MIL, that is a considered position.
It is how that news is delivered that is the issue I am discussing here not the fact of the agreement nor how it is physically delivered by L. As you have now wanted to structure the delivery of the paperwork in a gentler way and H is showing ostrich behaviour then there is little you can do. I still think an email to his work address if that is all you have is the best way, but I would question rushing to advise him of this at this point. I think it is too soon.
Frankly the best time is a few hours before delivery of the paperwork. Why reveal your hand? If this is to protect you and your fins then prewarning is giving reaction space, which could be filled by MIL (if your analysis is correct). Your L is your best guide on this.
H not responding to you may well be the best for both of you. Inadvertently maybe, please let H react and C give yourself space. Stop control of H and his reactions, H is responsible for his choices and the consequences of those choices. Let him be responsible for that. If he is trying to be NC with you for a while then let him. If H has stayed silent on where he lives, kept his number to himself, had his mother call you then he is looking to give himself space to work his stuff. Let him do this and C work on you and your need to control.
The only point of contact is his work then that is what L must use.
Even living in the same house then I let my H have his space. No texts, emails calls or interactions unless on admin. I let H ininiate all contact related matters and no R talk at all. My fins agreement went into place and there was spew for a few weeks, a couple of rants and now it is BAU. I prefer to let H take the lead on this and I will not be abused. Otherwise I listen and validate.
The need to control is a very important one for C, the need for certainty comes from an insecure place. This is an uncertain world where outcomes are unpredictable, detatchment is key. In 12 steps we have the Serenity Prayer it is on the back of all of our literature and I hold it to my heart as wise.
Please grant me the Serenity to change the things I can , the Serenity to accept the things I can not change and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Your burdens will be lighter and you will be serene to let H fall into the category of the things you can not change.
Peace and a restful mind
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/1505:23 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was taught it was God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference,
My Mum was in AA. for many years before she passed. I bought her the praying ( serenity hands) hands that she wore around her neck. We had them added to her grave stone
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I was taught it was God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference,
My Mum was in AA. for many years before she passed. I bought her the praying ( serenity hands) hands that she wore around her neck. We had them added to her grave stone
Each AA group and GA group seem to have their own version of it. Karma. I typed that version from the back of the AA pamphlet I have here. The version we use is called Serenity now. The words may vary from 12 step to step but the message is the same.
That is beautiful to have this in your life and how serene to have that message in the form of guiding hands on your mums gravestone. I just shed a tear, this is so elegant.
I love the hands, our logo is a life bouy with three sections.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/1507:43 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My heart goes out to you as I am facing some kind same situation. I will serve the separation papers to my H when he comes back from his trip on feb 15th.
I feel this kind of mixed feelings, most because I really don't want this whole s**t situation in my life. But, protecting myself seems like a better venue right now.
I contacted 3 Ls and they are all in the same page as my rights on the whole legal separation. In my state it does not have much a difference in LS and D, it's just a different decree at the end but the process is exactly the same.
Filing a Legal Separation for me means to make a point that I did not ask for the bloody D and I will not file for it.
The one thing that is helping me a lot is the support of good friends and my faith. I have decided to let myself open for those help because the pain in unbearable.
I do not have much hope, but then if you ready 25, she had neither and she ended up reconciling. Life have many turns and we never know what tomorrow holds for us. It may be that H comes back or maybe we find someone we will love even more and have a better life together then the previous one.
One thing I have seriously been working on is to leg go. It hurts a lot, but I am every day a tiny better. I need to let my H walk his own path and find his own purpose in his life. He is very confused now, I don't believe he is very sure of what he is doing. But he does not want to change all this. He is persisting in the direction he took a few months ago.
So, it's time for me to work on me and walk my path on my own right now. It seems all over the place sometimes, no direction, no meaning... but, there are other times that I find it very comforting to be with myself, to look forward and see the things I want to do, and think that I can do it, I have so much freedom to decide for myself now.
If after exhausting your choices you come to the conclusion that it is in your best interest to file for a legal separation, then do so. It's not the end. Your old marriage is dead anyway, you do not want to go back to what it was. But, down the road, there is always a possibility of getting together and finding a new R, a new love, one more solid and mature. Who knows? everything is possible.
I hope you have a good minute sometimes, a good hour some day, a good day during next week, if you keep choosing to respect yourself and be happy for yourself, every minute, hour and day will count.
And the verdict is in folks. H is fine with it being delivered to work as he, "has no plans on working on the marriage anymore. Thank you for your understanding."
Via an email.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Well, I think the main thing is, you have been the person you want to be in raising the query with him. If you were a lesser person, you might have enjoyed his potential embarassment at having the papers delivered at work. But this isn't who you are, and so you asked him - because you felt that was the decent and the right thing to do. Good for you....and now you have your response.
My IC said to me recently - at the end of the day Toots, your relationship with yourself is the most important thing here. Not your marriage, or your relationship with your husband. I think she was so right.
Good luck going forwards Calibri :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
