When I first discovered this forum and started reading through various situations, I was amazed when I'd come across someone who was 6 mos, 9 mos, even 1 year post BD. No way did I envision my situation going past 3 mos- something would be figured out by then. I'd either be D or W and I would be working on our M. I felt sorry for those people still holding onto their M. 'Move on, your M is over' is what thought. I was impressed with all the vets (and newbies) who seemed so invested in helping total strangers behind a computer screen, not only save their M, but become better people. So I posted my story and 1 yr after registering and 16 mos into S, I'm still here.
16 mos of being S- that seems so crazy to say. But as the mos go by, I realize more and more that my M is over and that I'm basically living a D life anyways. I dropped the kids off at W's the other day and as I drove away, I had a hint of anger at the situation and wished all of this was over with. Then I realized that even if a D was official, nothing would have been different about that experience. And I guess that's what the past few mos have been about for me. As each month goes by, I feel more and more comfortable and happy with my life.
On a total unrelated note, I've been trying something different this past week. I've sent W some random 'Hey, how's your day?' texts. I've been surprised at her responses- she actually tells me something about her day or will prolong the conversation. I also sent a 'Tell me how I've hurt you because I want to learn/grown' email that I'm waiting for a response to. I don't know why I decided to do this- maybe because I'm finally comfortable with whatever the outcome may be, so I have no expectations that she respond to anything? Maybe it's a last ditch effort to reconnect with her? Maybe I'm only messing with her mind by suddenly being friendly? I hope it's not that last one- just the thought of it makes me feel like a terrible person. I'm sure it smells of another 'Tarheel acting on his emotions again' experiment, but I really have no expectation of the result anymore. If it's a stepping stone back to a R with her down the road, fine. If she goes ahead with filing for D and making it 'official', I'm ok with that too.
