wife during deployment EA/PA another service membe

[Train]

Baby steps and at least communication happened.
A word of caution: Careful what you consider "improvements" - or "baby steps" - when your W is having an A. (I had a problem with this, too, when my H was wayward.) A lot of times, a WAW who is in an A will be nice to "temp check" you - to see if she still has you on a string. This leads to "cake-eating." That is NOT an improvement. In fact, it's a big step back. You want your W to RESPECT you, not PLAY you. If you're acting all happy and pleased with the crumbs she's throwing you to keep you hooked, she will lose respect for you very quickly. And that is the ONE thing you cannot afford for your W to lose if your goal is to save your M.

I just wonder if I should talk with her while she is there about the open thing M thing.
You are going to try to split this hair a million ways, and you'll convince yourself that your situation is unique. How do I know? Because your situation is not all that unique. And pretty much everybody here, when they first arrive, tries to reason that their situation is different and requires a "different" strategy. You'll still get the same response from us, and it's right out of the DB book: NO R TALKS! Do not instigate this talk. Do not get yourself trapped in one if W instigates one. Your ONLY job is all that's already been detailed. If W, while she's at the house, says something like: "Well, I've been staying with (insert friend's name) to 'find myself,'" you look her dead in the face, lock eyes, put your hand up and say, "W, no. You and I BOTH know you're lying to me right now. I know all about you and OM. What you're doing is disrespectful to me and to our marriage." And WALK AWAY. Do NOT get suckered into any further R talk.

This is also important: Do not tell her what you know. Do not tell her HOW you know. That information is for you and you alone.