I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[susana4]

And i do recognize right now we're both doing the same things we did to lead us here (avoiding the subject/avoiding each other). I emailed her some thoughts the other day when she left for hotel stay #2 and she said she read them but "can't reply"....i'm not sure whether she's too emotional to reply, or doesn't want to break my heart further.

And then when she came home i wanted to try and discuss things but the fear of rejection kept me from it just because the first few convos, she was just 10000% done. So anything I bring up would obviously be aimed towards the positive and i just haven't felt like being chopped back down. I told her in one of the emails that i will always love her and she can't stop me from showing her that love and proving it through my actions. Probably the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help it at the time. She didn't reply anyway so i guess it doesn't matter.

I know i'm supposed to detach and gal, i know that. but when she's here and i feel her energy it's just so hard. Like she said the other day "this would be so much easier if you were angry"...it would be but neither of us are those kind of people. It kills me that what i did forced her to this point.

Frank, I don't think you should be writing her any more emails at this point, it will just make her feel more pursued and pressured. I know that's hard when it's so fresh, and I made the same mistake of emailing prior to finding DB, but I don't think it will help. Pursuing won't be helpful.

I know it's really hard, and it's something i'm still working on myself, but you need to forgive yourself, and your W, for your mistakes. You won't be able to be happy in yourself until you do.

About the doctor, what did you say on the phone? I'm not saying to lie or anything, but I hope you were really honest with them about your situation. Did you tell them how anxious and depressed you were feeling? Again, I'm not advocating lying, but this is a serious situation and I hope you emphasized to them how much you need help right now, and quickly. My doctor was able to shift a few things around and see me in one of their "urgent" appointments (they save a few in case of emergency) because they felt the situation was serious enough. Did you ask if they can call you in case of a cancellation?

And i'm scared shitless right now of losing her so it's just more of the same. Part of this fear though is how badly i handled the first separation years ago and how letting her walk away that time led to a lot of these current issues. I know i need to do things differently, i just don't know how or what to do. She wants me out of her life right now and just moving out feels totally wrong to me.

Not sure if I'm understanding the previous situation correctly, but I don't know if "let her walk away" is the right thing to say. It makes it sound like you could have stopped her, which you couldn't then and you can't now. Much as we'd like to stop our spouses leaving, we can't control their actions (a lesson I'm still learning myself!).