Also now that she knows that YOU know she's cheating on you, things will start to shift.
If you are nice guy who unconditionally loves her, will wait forever for her while she cheats, and it still her best buddy, she may actually lose respect for you, since you seem to be lacking healthy boundaries. There is something in male/female dynamics where women are attracted to men who are strong and elicit respect. If you sit there with open arms while she cheats, to some extent, she realizes you will always be her back-up if things don't work our with OM. She gets to cake-eat as they say. Also, you might want to consider what kind of message you send. She can cheat with no consequences and, on top of that her infidelity turns you into super-AML who is even a better husband than ever. If Pavlov was right about stimulus/response, you are rewarding her for infidelity by being an even more available, loving, amazing husband. All those wonderful positive changes are good, but what changes is your wife willing to make? People value things that are hard-one.
The anger is supposed to give you a healthy sense of boundaries of what's acceptable to you and what isn't. It's a quick way to get centered. People respect those who show healthy self-respect and lay down boundaries. Respect is a part of attraction. Making demands and stating what we want gives people a sense of who we are. Right now you are making yourself invisible, shrinking your needs and acting like you are footnote in your wife's grand story. You are in essence, revolving around your wife and constantly adjusting to her needs/wants/desires/moods. It's hard to trust a people-pleaser, because you authentic self (with needs, likes/dislikes, boundaries) is being hidden in order for you to win your wife back.
You may love you wife, but with all due respect, she is not amazing right now. She's acting cruelly and selfishly.
What consequences is she facing now that she is cheating on you? How is she sensing you will be fine without her and are ready to move on?
Time to divide bank accounts? Did you talk to a lawyer?
Perhaps a tighter implementation of the LRT? Maybe the AFTER the last resort technique? (It's in Michelle's book).
Maybe you can tell her that you are not willing to live in an open marriage and you are willing to pursue counseling with her if she's willing to end the relationship with the other man. If she says "no" then you can reply, "Well, looks like I have some thinking to do and some decisions to make." And then walk away.
Even in Michelle's books she speaks about ultimatums.
The longer you are willing to keep a posture of open arms, being her best friend and biggest fan WHILE she's in an affair, the more likely you will be worn down with grief, anger and pain. Also, the more likely she'll lose respect for you and lose more attraction.
Keep up you GET a life activities. But start to show some boundaries. Start to move on. Not just to show her you are, but for your own sanity. She can always jump back on the AML train if she wants.
I think, for laughs, and for a refreshing perspective on infidelity, you might want to visit the Chump Lady website. It's really funny and a kick in the pants.
