Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Why do I keep picking up the rope?

W and I just chatted away last night, it was nice. W even acknowledged that it was nice. She has been feisty again, which she hadn't been in a long time (this is what attracted me to her). I sat there talking to her and listening and admiring her. She hasn't had that fire in her belly in a long time. It is a sad realization that she keeps it buried when working on us. We seem to communicate and interact better when we are "broken". Neither of us is holding back or nervous, just talking openly and honestly.

She had some snide remarks last night about me going to look at a new home. Usually I would have just blown them off and accepted the hurt I felt so I wouldn't "rock the boat". But since I am no longer afraid to talk openly I asked if she was bitter about me getting a new house. She seemed a little shocked that I confronted her about it. She was upset that, as she put it, "now this house is good enough for ME, but before it would never have been good enough for US." So later on in the conversation here I go picking up the rope and make the comment that there is room for her in the new house. It was met with facetious laughter. Why do I do it?

I still love her and it is hard for me to accept that she is done trying. Is this denial, lack of understanding, love, or the fact that I am not done trying to fix this? Am I just a big idiot to think this can all be repaired and pieced back together, especially when we communicate openly now?

I did get a hearty f@#$ you last night when she asked if my parent's knew we were divorcing. Not even thinking I said "yeah, I told them that you want a divorce." I don't understand her instant anger about this.

If she filed and knows that I don't want a D, why would the words I used make her instantly angry?
Is it typical a WAW that thinks that the D is what both want?
Was I wrong with my word choice?
Does she not want to accept responsibility for the D, even though she filed?

On a different note; I am going to look at a house during lunch today and have been talking with a couple banks about mortgages.