Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[edz]

Well its now the real Wednesday ( Toots) i preferred the fake one as its belting it down out there and dark.

Had a really good deep sleep last night and woke up before the alarm this morning. Had some time to just lay there until the BFT let it be known it was time to feed everyone's favourite brown cat, i.e. her.

Working from home (no one wants my bug although I'll share I'm generous that way) so no need for a commute so leisurely shower this morning and time to make the bed etc.

Attended this mornings conference calls and running through the 800 or so emails that built up since Friday night. Taking a quick coffee break now and updating here before fixing everything thats broken or been shovelled my way since last week.

Still nothing from w, definitely on radio silence again - although committing the cardinal sin of mind reading I'm not suprised given what I think she's chewing over (sorry for being vague) if it goes the way I think it is thats not something I'd know how to face me over either. As always I'll validate and be warm if she contacts me although having said I will need to send her a text if she doesnt come back to me before tomorrow just to check what days S is coming over this weekend (i.e. is she seeing her friend and going there or is her friend coming over - I wont be suprised if she cancels and its a one night stay from s this week, I wont kick off over this after last week obviously).

Slightly concerned as w has now quit her job (or was about to when we last spoke) with nothing to go to, no idea what monies she has saved as I stay out of her business unless she still dips into the joint account (this wont be an issue shortly - waiting on bank approval on an OD then a new account will be in my name only and my name removed from the joint account). I've noticed she's also becoming more introverted except to move S around to various events.

Honestly its now (more or less) detatched concern as I would feel for a relative who's hurting and seems to be going off at a tangent I want to help (mr fixit trying an escape attempt) but cant let myself (but the guards caught him with a spoon).

V, Ive long noted in your signature "wanting an end to all the drama" I think thats my overriding feeling at the moment. It's no longer me pining for w (done with that since dec) even the aching for her to want to reconcile is dwindling its just a mourning for all the moments we had and wont have again now. Even found myself considering could we be friends to at least have those platonically in the future but I think that would just be way too painful especially if she chose to discuss romantic entanglements, I think I can move on but I cant be that level of friend to her without hurting myself.

As I said right now we're effectively coparenting with odd windows of w being chatty and almost grabbing on (not physically to me) I wonder (trying not to mindread) if its her fear of going on from the M (I really wish I could explain more on that) and leaving behind our 15 years together.

I know when I saw w on sunday she looked tired, haunted and ponderous. I understand her work situation playing on her mind but the past 15 years of understanding her BL tell me there's more, I know better than to dwell on it in front of her or start poking though. I focussed on S not just for BD but for him and I and our relationship. If the M is done then thats sad but I wont lose him now and he may need me more than ever if things go down as I think they may do.

Got pinged again by friends regarding dating sites, one of whom said he signed up a headerless account for me (i.e. no picture of me or details) and sent over some pings - its nice they're concerned, its nice they are trying "intervention" but asked if they could not just now, not pining after w as I said but it could all be misinterprited and I need to be emotionally available (god knows Im physically available) and fully healed as any new relationship has to start with no codependency and me not looking for a w "replacement" but someone new, fun and who will be open to love both from me and to me, something lacking in my life for quite a few years. I'm simply not interested in casual "hook ups" or one night stands, not that guy and never was, maybe thats my problem all along?

Anyway, enough maudling (Im really not as down in the dumps as this sounds, just whats been bouncing around in my head) finally got around to the final episodes of Agents of Shield last night (I'd put off watching anything w and i watched together, silly I know but a few months ago any ghosts of her hurt me, now time to watch what I enjoy although the music library will take much, much longer - way too full of memories) and will start getting back to GAL in the next few days as I feel better.

Guitar course was full which bummed me out, so still looking for something even if its slightly outside my comfort zone. At this rate anything that has spaces and not cancelled so if I end up with advanced lampost polishing (and no Gg thats not a euphemism) you'll know why!

Anyway on with work for a bit.