Let me be clear, if your L has advised this course of action and you have considered it coolly and carefully because it protects you from H and MIL, that is a considered position.
It is how that news is delivered that is the issue I am discussing here not the fact of the agreement nor how it is physically delivered by L. As you have now wanted to structure the delivery of the paperwork in a gentler way and H is showing ostrich behaviour then there is little you can do. I still think an email to his work address if that is all you have is the best way, but I would question rushing to advise him of this at this point. I think it is too soon.
Frankly the best time is a few hours before delivery of the paperwork. Why reveal your hand? If this is to protect you and your fins then prewarning is giving reaction space, which could be filled by MIL (if your analysis is correct). Your L is your best guide on this.
H not responding to you may well be the best for both of you. Inadvertently maybe, please let H react and C give yourself space. Stop control of H and his reactions, H is responsible for his choices and the consequences of those choices. Let him be responsible for that. If he is trying to be NC with you for a while then let him. If H has stayed silent on where he lives, kept his number to himself, had his mother call you then he is looking to give himself space to work his stuff. Let him do this and C work on you and your need to control.
The only point of contact is his work then that is what L must use.
Even living in the same house then I let my H have his space. No texts, emails calls or interactions unless on admin. I let H ininiate all contact related matters and no R talk at all. My fins agreement went into place and there was spew for a few weeks, a couple of rants and now it is BAU. I prefer to let H take the lead on this and I will not be abused. Otherwise I listen and validate.
The need to control is a very important one for C, the need for certainty comes from an insecure place. This is an uncertain world where outcomes are unpredictable, detatchment is key. In 12 steps we have the Serenity Prayer it is on the back of all of our literature and I hold it to my heart as wise.
Please grant me the Serenity to change the things I can , the Serenity to accept the things I can not change and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Your burdens will be lighter and you will be serene to let H fall into the category of the things you can not change.
Peace and a restful mind
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/1505:23 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
