Going through D

[Rita]

[quote=Gerda]

Thanks for the encouraging words. Your story is inspiring
I was a different person back in the 90's and early 2000's. That's the person my W fell in love with.
I am trying to rebuild my relationship with God. I have been praying. When I do pray sometimes I think, "why would God want anything to do with me at this point?"
My W is so angry, bitter and cold hearted toward me but I also know she is hurting and in pain. I am ridden with guilt that I caused this.
Sorry to hear about your cancer. Can't imagine what that's like.
I will check out the book you recommended.

Thank you for this note, I am so happy if something I said affected you. And oh my goodness, OF COURSE God wants everything to do with you! It's the broken ones, the ones who feel worthless -- that's you and me -- that God wants the most! And then I often think that we may be going through this in order to help others have the strength to go through it.

About your wife's rage and anger -- yes, indeed, that is so many of our stories. It is so painful to live with that day after day after day. But you can do it. Let it change you. Being kind WHEN she is not is extremely liberating, much more liberating than being angry back, and somehow even more liberating that being kind just because she is kind.

Have you watched the film, "Fireproof"? That one really got me started on this, the first time I realized that one of us had to break the cycle of fury and rage, and that it might mean that I had to be kind even if he was not. And boy has that been the case -- I mean, CANCER did not soften him except for one day. He even contacted the OW while I was on the operating table, I found this out a couple days later and it still hurts me so much. Now I try to see the fact that I am standing for this marriage through that pain as what I offer to God -- to bear that pain and not do what would make me feel "better" -- get angry, kick him out, move on. Being able to offer it to God has really helped me make daily meaning out of it while I wait for better days to come. You and your wife will be in my prayers tonight! I have faith in you, not only to get through this suffering but to restore your marriage.