Card29 X - Let It Be

[Card29]

Small positive: This has been my most productive day in months at work. I've just been really, really focused. I think that's a good sign. I need to quit wasting time at night. Once D2 goes to bed, I just veg out for hours, until 1-2 am. Watching citcoms, playing video games...for a while I was staying up late, but I was playing piano/guitar, reading books, going running in the middle of the night, drawing. At least something that fed my soul a little. Watching Sportscenter for two straight hours is not doing me any good.

[Card29]

Bat signal for uR! Stop by Ss06's thread

[TenBook]

Card, I have had to come to grips that there may be no regret or sorrow for the actions of my W regarding the A. Maybe it will come, maybe after years from a rebuilt marriage. I'm not counting on it, nor can I let that expectation of an apology or regret divert me away from DB.

All I know is that trying to invoke guilt from her only brings about anger for both of us.

Having my first bumpy few days since my light switch moment about a month ago. I realize I do ideally want our M to work, but that brings on two sources of pain: She is nowhere close to ready to rebuilding our M even if she wants to (and I have no clue if she does), and the pain of her A is returning. The fact that she is nastily trying to deflect her role in it (even without me being hostile or telling anyone about it) speaks volumes, too.

Also, D2 is starting to get upset that I don't come to mommy's house with her.

Ugh

[TenBook]

Those late nights self medicating with Internet or games are brutal.

I drew a line for myself, 11pm, no excuses. Doesn't always work.

[Mozza]

Was it in DR that I read that WAS rarely if ever regret the affair itself? All they may regret is the pain they caused the LBS. The reason, as painful as it is to hear, is that they enjoyed the A too much to regret it. It's not a thought I'm comfortable with, but im working with it while aiming at the proper kind of forgiveness for my WAW's A.

[gan]

Give it some time, Card. Your sitch is interesting I think - as the cat is out of the bag and rather than proving immediately catastrophic you've both gone on to acknowledge that you both are hurting and maintained some contact through that. Keep working on you and get yourself back to PMA so you can keep riding the wave.

[Card29]

Had a bit of an R talk tonight. Earlier I texted her asking if she wanted to watch the final season of a show with me. She had previously asked me to watch football, go to the gym, etc, so I didn't think it was out of bounds. She responded "um maybe". So I asked her in person tonight what she meant, if she maybe didn't want to watch the show or maybe didn't want to watch it with me. She said neither, just that she didn't want to send mixed signals. I said that's fine, I was just asking on the grounds of watching TV and wasn't interpreting anything. I told her that if she wanted to reconcile, I would expect a much more definite signal than accepting a TV invite (I said that light-heartedly). I also conveyed that I was still deciding what I want, anyway.

[Ss06]

How do YOU feel spending time with her, Card? Too much time together always confused me but you seem to do ok with it. Are you really ok with it?

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy...you know, you are confusing me. I think you need to kind of decide what you want, ya know?

Oh and her saying she didnt want to give you mixed signals...script.

[Card29]

Here is what I want (or at least how I feel):

- ideally I want to reconcile our M, but I am not living and dying with that anymore. I realize I will be happy either way, and we will be really good coparents for D2. Obviously the best thing for D2 is for her parents to be happily married, but I'm not in total control of that.

- If we're not going to reconcile, I would kind of like to take advantage of our current sitches (both single) to enjoy some time together. I love WAW, but I also like her as a friend. If either of us are dating/married in the future, I don't think we should hang out and watch TV shows, football games alone together. I'm not telling her any of that. But life is short, and it's a collection of moments. I enjoy those moments with her, whether it's leading somewhere or not. I also like being together with her and D2.

- Being around her does confuse me a little sometimes. I won't initiate any snuggling again, and I'll hope she doesn't walk around in a towel again lol. But we aren't hanging out all of the time. I think I just report each occurance here

- Definitely not pursuing any other women at the moment, nor thinking about it. Skiing with sis's friend hasn't happened yet and she doesn't sound that interested in it, anyway, so it looks like that probably won't even happen. My sister still really wants that to happen, though.