Feeling lost

[jessm15]

Well I guess I will start at the beginning and try and keep this as short as possible.
My ex and I have been together for nearly 10 years (engaged for 2) he was 17 and I was 19 when we started dating. We are each other's first serious relationship.
In 2011 I became pregnant with our first child, a girl (now age 3) during the pregnancy I found out he was having a PA with Someone from his workplace. We were separated for 2 months and he came home after lots of effort to "win" me back and to rebuild the trust. He has always said he was disgusted with his actions and he will "never forgive himself" States that reason for the PA is because he felt I had "forgot" about him as everything was about the pregnancy for me and he was getting no attention or affection.

Now, fast forward 3 years and we have another child and he has since proposed. 2 months ago after a small fight I said so what's going on you feel distant. He replied that he "wanted space" he stayed at his parents for a few days and initially said he wanted to work on things he had 3 suggestions; 1- couples counselling 2-I talk to a dr about getting sleeping tablets as he thinks my troubles sleeping contribute to us nit-picking at each other 3; he talks to dr about decreased sex drive due to anxiety meds.

So we went to one counselling session to which he revealed that he resents me for our children and that he can't go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. That he has no money to buy a boat/jet ski whatever it may be, like his single friends at work can do. Says that "the love isnt there and hasn't been for 6 months" after this he refuses to do any more counselling as he thinks it's pointless. I take my engagement ring off when he tells me he no longer wants to get married.

He decides to go interstate with his father for 12 days (father was going there on business) to "clear his head" we speak sporadically over those 12 days, he says he doesn't miss me and enjoys not being stressed out. He gets back and says that we are over, that he doesn't love me and it's too far gone. He comes and goes over the next couple of weeks then Christmas day we spend together at his parents. Since Christmas he has been home everyday and sleeping in our bed. Things have been "normal" as far as our routine goes with cooking,bills,kids etc even being intimate.
Last week I saw on his snap chat that one of his "best friends" was a women's username and we had a massive fight about this as it turns out he was on an online dating site talking to a few people. To which he thinks he's done nothing wrong as we "aren't together" he's also deleted me from his facebook.

We've had a family holiday booked for feb for 6 months now and during this fight he said "I can't wait til this holidays over so I can get away from you. I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, I want to see the house"

Even when he has said that he doesn't love me, I always felt like he still did but now as more time passes I'm started to think he honestly doesn't.

He is a police officer now, only on the job for 1 year. He says the saying is "join the force get a divorce" as if abandoning his family can be justified like that.. He does work long hours and a lot of nights, some days i only see him for half an hour.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now and the stories and advice have been a great help to me. I thought It was time I asked for advice on my particular situation.

Seeing as we are still living together and sharing a bed do I start the LRT?

Should I ask what's happening with us and if he loves me or avoid these topics altogether?

We have our one week family holiday coming up on feb 8th, should I go?

I'm struggling every day and feel like my life is falling apart. I didn't see this coming at all. Thank you for reading and I appreciate any/all advice. Thankyou.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Cadet]

Should I ask what's happening with us and if he loves me or avoid these topics altogether?

This is relationship talk and it is advised against it in Divorce Remedy.

Did you read DB or DR yet?

[Ahoy]

jessm, he has never been faithful to you and likely never will be. He said it himself: it's over. So act like it's over, and don't pursue him. Go on with your life as if he won't be a part of it. Oh yeah, and see a lawyer and make sure you get child support for your kids. Any man who chooses a jet ski over his children is not worth another second of your time. You are still young, and you have a lot of life ahead of you. Look forward, not back. Absolutely no relationship talk. Read sandi's rule and follow them. No contact will bring you sanity.

[Tarheel]

Jess, I echo Ahoy's comments. He seems to have checked out of your R and has said some pretty rude things to you, in my opinion. Take some time to focus on yourself and being a role model for your D3.

Having a child together makes things more complicated, but ask yourself- would you want your daughter dating someone like this?

[jessm15]

I haven't as yet as I cannot find the books where I live. I've ordered them online and I'm waiting on them to arrive from the UK, hopefully soon!
I've only read the small snippets available on here and also trawled through posts for hours.
I need to learn how to bite my tongue.

[jessm15]

I was so blind sighted by this and I'm finding it very hard to accept. I feel like my life is now just me going through the motions and waiting for him to change his mind. Which is pathetic I know.
My kids adore their dad I breakdown every time I think of them growing up without seeing him everyday.
I'm going to see my dr to talk about some anti depressants as I'm not coping.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me I'm going to try and follow your advice. I know you are right.
We are still living together & sharing a bed. Should I ask him to stay at his parents?

[jessm15]

Yes he has said some horrible things actually. I feel like an idiot for loving him when he is so nasty towards me.
We actually have two children D3 and S2.
You are so right. I would tell my Daughter to run a mile and ready my Son to never treat someone like this.
It's just a huge mess, I feel hopeless and very negative about everything right now.
My kids are my only strength at the moment.

[MrBond]

From the way you describe him, he's extremely selfish and self-absorbed. The only thing that's going to wake him up is something drastic like you leaving him. Have you talked to his parents?

[jessm15]

He is both of those things. He hasn't always been that way, it's only over the past couple of years that he seems to have changed. Over the past 6 months he's become very selfish. He actually said to the counsellor that he resented me because he couldn't just pack a bag and go off travelling and "rock out" whenever he wanted. Yes, he actually said "rock out" not sure if I'm dealing with a 27 year old father ofr two or an 18 year old. He seems to just want to walk away from all his responsibilities and go out drinking with his buddies. He's also start smoking again, which we can't afford.

I have spoken to his mother and she thinks he's being foolish but she doesn't want to get involved.