Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[HPoirot]

Hello Karma, Starsky, Sandi, bdub, and Vanilla. Yes XW says she'll have her apartment in a couple weeks. She says she'll be able to hold up her end of the schedule then. Yes we have a set shared on-line schedule that she makes and I agree to. Thing is... every time she makes a new schedule, she says she can't keep it due to her circumstances. There's nothing I can do about it except keep S12 here with me. I'm happy to have S12 everyday.

....

Interesting... it's hard to write this post. I want all this to stop.

I had my IC appointment over the phone just now. Talked about how I'm moving forward and detaching. Continuing to accept reality... my W does not want to be M to me.

The "I miss you" text came up and we talked about it most of the time. IC suggested I no longer allow her to lean on me for emotional support as she shows no sign of reconciliation.

So, next time, for my mental good, I must ask her, "What is your intention telling me you miss me?" or whatever she says to suck me back in. Then, whatever she says, I tell her something like "Your mixed signals don't help me. If you talk to me like that then I can't talk with you." Just set a boundary on her mixed signals.

She wanted away from our M. She's treated me terribly. She doesn't get anything else from me.

At the end of the call... I started to feel very very sad. Like I haven't for a while now. Reality setting in.

I talked about how I have no really close friends in this city. IC said that is my priority now. I get out and meet people. My assignment before our Friday appointment is to have some GAL activities on my calendar. I'll do that.

When I hung up the phone... I cried.

S12 came in the room. Is he always listening? He asked if I was OK. I reassured him I'm ok. No problem. He left and I went into the bathroom. I cried a little more. I couldn't help it.

IC said this is not a linear process. By tomorrow I'll be better. I deserve better. I have to get better.

Right now I'm just sad.

I'm tired of crying.

I just want all this to stop.