I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[25yearsmlc]

No dice on doctor appointments yet. There's only a few "in town" (2+ hour round trip) and i guess there's a flu epidemic going on. The few people i called laughed when i asked about getting me in this week.

So Call a psychologist or psychiatrist, and or a social worker or psychologist who works with MDs b/c they can help you get prescriptions. Tell them you are in an "urgent" situation.

Then imagine for example, anti anxiety meds that keep you from constantly pressing her for answers or engaging in "relationship talk" - which is a big NO NO for you right now.

AND OR getting something to help you sleep. I know that when I could not sleep, I also tended not to exercise, or get outside much, which made me feel worse and began a bad cycle.

For ME, just getting a good night's sleep, helped me feel alright enough to take brisk 2-3 miles walks (or as I referred to them, "Fury marches") and that helped me eat better, feel better, look better, and set a better example for the kids too.

Also no on counselors, i'll have to go way further for one and i'm trying to time it to coincide with possible apartment visits


See above. Are you near Wenatchee? I happen to know a few in that area. Yes it is beautiful there, but too remote without a large family or friends nearby.

Do you recall why you chose to live there originally?


I'm obviously going back and forth moodwise/being optimistic. I really need to make flight plans to visit my parents before i move to an apartment just because it will be much easier. One of my biggest fears in life is flying so that's a major impediment. I need to just pull the trigger, but the costs associated with it are also holding me back ($600+ flight, car rental etc). Not to mention i need to be able to go there and JUST visit, i don't want to bring any of this stuff up so i need to be mentally strong.

I know i should talk about it with them, i just can't do it right now Partly because it's hard and partly because i guess i'm still in denial, still don't want to bring it up in case a miracle occurs between me and my wife. Once i bring it up, it's "out there" in the wild and i can never bring it back.


Wow. You do have a lot of FEARS and self created/inflicted obstacles in your life. Sense any patterns?

Do you see now, that giving power to our fears of something, can actually create the very conditions that lead to the event we fear, then happening?

By way of analogy, I've seen several spouses here who admit they were controlling and jealous and insecure. They admitted that they over reacted to things and got more controlling when their spouses balked.

Eventually, these fear laden spouses, pushed their loved ones into the arms of another.

So these people effectively caused the very event they feared. Not to mention the self fulfilling prophecies that happen too.

Furthermore, note that there is a cost to NOT confronting or admitting problems.

Rather than helping a real problem "go away" by neglecting to address it, it (always) leads to a worsening of the problem.

I don't mean trivial things, but actual issues or conflicts of merit.

None of those problems "go away" on their own. They are either repressed and not dealt with (which makes some people think the problem is gone, but it's not). When a problem is ignored by someone, the other person feels that their spouse "doesn't get them" or "gets them but doesn't care" to address the issue;

and the unsolved problem leads to resentment, which sabotages the relationship AND OR
creates a chasm between the spouses, which can lead to the disintegration of the marriage, and or an affair.

If you don't tell your parents a thing, they'll be unable to help or support you and you need that a lot right now. Who knows what you'll lose out on then?

And by not even allowing them the chance to offer loving support, they lose out too.

As a parent, I'd be deepy hurt if my son/daughter did not share that painful and serious issue with me. How do you think they will feel, when you tell them months from now, and by long distance? Do you see how much more difficult you'll make it for them to help YOU, and or to feel included in your life?

IMO, They will likely feel left out, at best. They'll know they were deceived.

So in reality, you are damaging your r with them, by having what you surely recognize is an irrational belief that telling them this, somehow worsens something. Unless they are the type of people to insert themselves into your wife's life, It doesn't.


I wonder if you are just so used to not dealing, (which means your fears dictate your behaviors) that you are stuck or paralyzed by the fears you empower.


My parents love her and i don't want to taint their opinion of her or anything like that unless i need to. Because even if i say "it's not her fault" they won't care.


Meaning what? They'll blame her? Well, first off, so what? How does that harm you?

How does it hurt the marriage? They are not going to call her up and scream, are they?

Secondly, do You really believe that they are incapable of forgiving her, for whatever it is that needs forgiving, if you two work things out?

Think again and this time, for 2 minutes, take the fear out of your analysis.

Also, there are ways of informing them that you are in a marital crisis, without blaming anyone. Believe me.


In other news, she came back last night from her night in a hotel. She was nice, we hugged, joked a little, then i gave her the bed and i took the couch. She works second shift today and basically stayed in bed all morning and said about 10 words to me before leaving. Which, sad to say, was par for the course of the last month or two. At least she didn't bring up moving again, nothing worse than feeling pressured to move. I know she wants me out, i'm sorry i need more than a wee or two to wrap my head around it.

Who is the focus^^ of this paragraph? Much like most of your posts, it's HER.

I know you read the long post I sent yesterday, but you need to take it IN.

I know things like this are detrimental and i know i need to get out if nothing changes (or gets worse), it's just a terribly hard thing to wrap my head around at times. I wish these surges of enthusiasm/optimism/whatever would come more often. I'm just having a bad day i guess.

I am reading so much powerlessness in this^^^.

You have to take charge of your life. No one else will. No one else can.

Man, I really hope you get to EE as soon as you can. (I think there's a discount if you sign up before a certain date. )

Frank, you're too young to give up on life like this. That's how I read your posts...as if nothing is in your control. That isn't true.

You are continuing to "hope" you have better days and "guessing" that you might...that is no way to live.

Have you viewed either of the 2 TEDTALK videos? There is nothing fearful about them.

The topic of Doing/Behaving in new ways, and THEN "feeling" better,

(rather than the reverse, in which one waits around to "feel better" and "hopes" they will, someday, so they can THEN do the things happy people do)

is key to your life improving. You need to take that^^ information in.

I hope you will fear much less, b/c it's keeping you stuck, and sometimes those fears are actually making your life worse. So, do more, fear less.

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

Then let's Act on that.