wife during deployment EA/PA another service membe

[Train]

How would I go about expressing to my W my expectations and my displeasure with her being with OM while she is supposed to be finding herself. Or should I just let it be and let my actions show her I am able to move on without her.
No words. Only actions.

She has fired you as her H. She knows you're not happy about that. There's nothing you can say to make her change her mind right now.

I'm glad you're buying some new clothes. Looking your best will help you feel your best. Saw where you said you're buying a cologne your W loves. Re-consider: Think about buying a NEW cologne. You want to be "mysterious." You want to leave her with a "question mark" or two in her mind. Why would you buy a cologne SHE loves when you're out, creating a NEW life? If you KNOW she loves a certain cologne and you start wearing it again all of a sudden, she's going to know you're after HER ... or, at the very least, *thinking* of HER. Nothing wrong - in fact there's *everything* RIGHT - with making your W wonder why you switched colognes all a sudden. You want to leave her guessing about what you're doing. You are moving on with your life, remember? This is a new chapter. Out with the old (cologne); in with the NEW!

Confident, assured, decisive while being upbeat and "neighborly" to W.

I got home and she had left me a massage on the fridge saying she needed time to pack for her school trip this coming week. I said that Wednesday is the only day good for me, because I will be out a little late so she could have her time ... i did not leave any room for debate, I was not rude but I just didn't leave it open ended; was this ok.
Yes. I think you handled that perfectly. The reference to "being out a little late" - and leaving it at that - was brilliant. Any chance you could be home when she first gets there? In your new clothes - and new cologne - looking like a million dollars - upbeat - excited about your "plans" - smiling a lot - and in a hurry to get to a mysterious place where you will be "out a little late"? (I don't care if it's just to the gas station or a friend's house while W is at the house. But don't return until you know she's long gone! You want to leave HER guessing about where you're going ... and even who you're getting all dressed up for.)

Also, what's the arrangement with the house? You said she is staying with OM while she says she's "finding herself" (pfft). But she obviously has her things at the house because she has to stop by there tomorrow to pack for a school trip. You said she left a note for you on the fridge last night. Is she coming and going as she pleases even though she's spending the nights in OM's bed?

That wouldn't sit well with me. First, you shouldn't feel you have to leave the house you're paying for when she needs to stop by. A level of discomfort is a natural consequence of her actions. YOU don't need to create an upheaval in your own life and schedule to accommodate her "comfort" anymore. (But I wouldn't want you sitting at home when she stops by, either, since you're out GAL with mysterious people at mysterious places ... and enjoying your new life.)

I dunno. When my H left, I packed all his sh!t and put it on the front porch. And I immediately changed the locks. I don't know if you are ready to go to that extreme, or even if it's the smartest move. (It was the smartest move for ME at the time, but it might not be in every case, obviously.)

If your W just "dropping by" ends up being a problem, let's be sure to revisit this. I mean, let's think about this: if YOU had left ... and W was living in the house, carrying on her shenanigans with OM ... she wouldn't want YOU just dropping in on a whim. You might bust up on her "private time"! Why shouldn't you demand the same courtesy? She at least should be asking you if she can stop by on a certain day, at a certain time. You said she asked about Wednesday. But the note-on-the-fridge last night is throwing me off. Can you clarify how you two are working all that?