wife during deployment EA/PA another service membe

[Train]

I am struggling detaching and still staying invested
Yeah. In the thick of things, the two don't seem to go together, do they? I understand. But it helps to understand that detaching doesn't mean giving up. It's simply a way for you to maintain your sanity while your W is running around, acting INsane because she's being led on a wild goose chase by out-of-control brain-chemicals. Detaching isn't saying, "I don't care." It's saying, "I care *too much* to allow your current behavior to deter me from working on myself and trying to salvage our M." If you continue to have expectations of your W during this time (i.e. if you can't find ways to detach from her words and/or actions), you will be disappointed and - worse - discouraged. And angry. And sappy-sad. We want you to stay so busy GAL - which leads to detachment - that you don't have time to feel any of those negative emotions right now. Your W's behavior is going to send you spinning if you don't detach - and THAT is where people screw up and take major steps back in the process.

So, see? Detaching has little-to-nothing to do with your W, actually. It's for YOU and your peace of mind so that you can be the best broken possible. You will need as much peace of mind as you can get.

I did not want to give the impression of "go do what you want including him." So my question would be how to correct this.
This wasn't a "make it or break it" moment, so don't sweat it. You could have written about elephants in a three-ring circus, and she would have found a way to make it say what she *wanted* it to say. In other words, she was going to do what she wanted to do, with or without your permission. Your words didn't make her go. They just gave her some "justification" to use against you, if that makes sense. (But again, she would have found justification in *any*thing because she was LOOKING for it.)

Don't worry about "correcting" anything. This wasn't a big deal; you just asked if it was the wrong message, and I replied to that question. Don't sweat the small sh!t. And don't go trying to correct yourself if/when you step in a pothole. A wise friend once told me: "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

As far as the acrobatics thing they only want to work with me on Mondays. Days that W and OM are not there. If this really is a bad idea I will stop. I want to do what is best to get my marriage back.
Is this something you've picked up just since W and OM hooked up there? Because if so, I would encourage you to leave it behind ... and quickly. Why? Because it looks like you're trying to compete with OM, by doing something he does. He's NOTHING. A symptom of your marital problems and not the problem itself. He's scum on the bottom of your shoe. So seems to me that he (and anything he does) would be the last person on the face of the Earth you'd want to be (or "emulate.") Also, W is going to feel stalked if you just joined this after knowing OM was involved in it ... even if you're going on different days.

Drop any pressure you're putting on your W. She will respond to pressure by running away, at best, and lashing out. The less pressure she feels from you, the better.

I know that this happened in a moment of weakness.
I wouldn't bet on it.

I will continue the tough love approach.
This is very wise.