I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Frank75]

And i do recognize right now we're both doing the same things we did to lead us here (avoiding the subject/avoiding each other). I emailed her some thoughts the other day when she left for hotel stay #2 and she said she read them but "can't reply"....i'm not sure whether she's too emotional to reply, or doesn't want to break my heart further.

And then when she came home i wanted to try and discuss things but the fear of rejection kept me from it just because the first few convos, she was just 10000% done. So anything I bring up would obviously be aimed towards the positive and i just haven't felt like being chopped back down. I told her in one of the emails that i will always love her and she can't stop me from showing her that love and proving it through my actions. Probably the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help it at the time. She didn't reply anyway so i guess it doesn't matter.

I know i'm supposed to detach and gal, i know that. but when she's here and i feel her energy it's just so hard. Like she said the other day "this would be so much easier if you were angry"...it would be but neither of us are those kind of people. It kills me that what i did forced her to this point.