Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Mozza]

He's suggesting that my W left me because she had the courage that I didn't have.

There is absolutely NOTHING "courageous" about a spouse committing adultery on another spouse. It's ABUSE. It's soul destroying to both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse.

Thanks for your reaction, Georgia Bulldogs. My therapist didn't say that my W was courageous for having an A, he said she had the courage to leave me. At the time, we didn't really know about the A. Also, what he meant was that our couple was dysfunctional but that I couldn't face the fact that we were incompatible. So it took courage to break free from this relationship where both were unhappy. By the way, he doesn't even use the word "courage"; it's me who translates it that way because I don't recall his careful wording.

I can't say that I agree with him anyway. I don't really understand where in his philosophy people are supposed to "make it work". It seems to me that as soon as people have M problems, they should split. Also, I don't see how he factors the kids and M in this. Maybe I misinterpret what he's saying because it doesn't make much sense in my version.

The reason I stick with him is that his analysis of my personality and behavior makes sense. He shows me how coherent it is when seen from the conflict avoidance or passive aggressive perspectives. I also feel like he could help me become more comfortable in my own skin, more capable of expressing my needs and wants properly.

Finally, for me and my W, the marriage was more paperwork than else. We got together, moved in and had a kid until visa issues forced us to get married at 3 weeks notice. For my WAW, the day she said "It's over, I'm leaving you", she could run to someone else without being an adulterer. I'm not trying to convince you of this, just to explain her behavior. In fact, I think my W was in an EA with this colleague, decided it was unfair to have a PA while married, so decided to S to avoid the guilt.

Of course, we can continue this on my thread if necessary... But again, I'm not trying to convince but to explain. Some people are very religious, others are not, some have kids and others not, etc. We all come here with the desire to save our R, but it doesn't mean we all have the same understand of M, love, sex, intimacy, etc. I welcome this diversity.