There is a big brew of statements, thoughts, feelings I am still trying to process. We had some more conversation over dinner and I tried to validate as often as he gave me the chance. I was strong, balanced, not overly eager. Tenses switched all over the place from past, present, future, and he admitted to being nervous feeling like trusting me again would be dangerous, I have not been good for him, etc. I did not push it, just explained that I understood and was scared too. On the way home from dinner I said something in response, "which is why I think we should go slow," and his retort tore me up - "I think we should date other people."
I've been on the board long enough to know what that means. I asked him if he had started a relationship with anyone else, or had been looking. He stated no, and asked me the same thing. I said I am married and have not. He said something about how it was easier. We talked more about it last night and this morning. He backed off from 'wanting' to see other people to stating it was the easier route and that's all he meant. He is clearly looking for the attention of a lover (my read, not his statement), and relief from the stress he feels from our relationship. He is also soul searching and aware he's in a really weak place, still panicking but no longer trying to 'squish all his feelings down' and just doesn't know what he wants. But he wants to be around other people whom he can 'depend on.' We went to bed together after some more conversation -not about the other people thing, about our tempers, the past, and he just held me as we fell asleep.
This morning he started kissing me and making some moves. I stopped him and asked if we could talk about what this meant. Sure. I told him I was going to feel used if this was just physical, and that I wasn't comfortable with his wedding ring off, the admission he wants to date others, and sharing my body like that. I wanted to have sex with my husband who, regardless of our complications and situation, was committed to a monogamous emotional and physical relationship. At one point he said something about how of course he was trying to connect with me emotionally, he had tried all last night, and even if he was seeing others, he would still be trying. I calmly stated that if he wanted to see other people, that was it for us. I had no desire to drag this out if that is where his heart was. We got into more conversation about past times I was jealous if he was just interacting with a girl. I said I understood (and at that time, I didn't have a basis for jealousy)- but there was a big difference between him looking for support of friends and meeting new people and leaving the door open for romantic interest. He played stupid and wanted to split hairs on the difference. I went back to my original assertion - if he wanted to look for romantic attention elsewhere, I did not want to be married much less sleeping together. I stayed kind and calm and stated that I had to look at what was good for me, and what he was proposing wasn't going to be something I could handle. I want to see him happy, but not at my expense, and would wish him well if this is what he wanted. He agreed that we would be emotionally and physically monogamous. And we ML.
He remains intently focused on himself and has said he is still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I asked if he still felt all that anger for me or if he'd released it - he said no, he went away as an escape and didn't get very far working on his feelings - that he doesn't know how and feels like he is going to be behind for the rest of his life. He is concerned I care more about our R than him. He is getting into to see his IC and psych this week. And has agreed to go to our MC on top of it.
He looked annoyed later this morning when he noticed I'd taken our pictures down and I told him hurt too much to keep looking at them every day for the last two months. He didn't say anything, just walked away. It's ok for him not to wear his ring bc looking at it makes him bitter and angry - but this bothered him. Why?
My plan is to give him space and not bring up our R again, to let him process this last twelve hours, yet be available if he wants to talk through his feelings. To be supportive, kind, and show off the changes I've been working on. It is clear to me now, and it came up over and over again, that emotional distance from me is not what he wants. He wants to feel like he can depend on me like that (but is in the place of a WAH, not wanting to trust or let down many walls.) He is scared of the whole situation setting him further back.
This is the 2nd time - as we were first discussing rules of our S was the 1st - that he has expressed a desire to meet/see other people but not have physical relations. This is the 2nd time we've discussed how emotional leads there, and it doesn't give us a fair shake. He keeps coming back to this point only to agree with my reasons against it - and I am realistic that he will reach this point again unless I can show him I can meet his emotional needs and give him the attention of a lover (instead of a disappointed spouse.) This won't be overnight.
So friends, your thoughts and suggestions as I work on my changes, give him an environment to work on healing and addressing his issues, and don't leave myself on the end of a wildly swinging rope - all while I do what I can do to repair this M? I know he is hurting and confused and there is a lot going on for him outside of our R. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. The advice for that is to detach, can I do that while being his emotional rock? Outside perspectives welcomed.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
